Hinei Ma Tov

I went to bible study tonight with a trembling heart. I was troubled, and a bit terrified, by things I've been seeing in the world around me and the world as a whole (and yes I am being vague). Needless to say, I needed some encouragement. I've said before how important I believe fellowship among believers to be, and tonight was no different.

I think tonight was one of the best bible studies we have ever had, just really analyzing where our fellowship should be and what we have been missing out on.

We had a really wonderful discussion about how, in order to have really true fellowship and be able to encourage each other fully, we have to be vulnerable. We have to be open, honest, and direct whereas we are usually reserved and vague.

It is hard to be completely open with people. I know that I have this layer of scar tissue on my heart that has only recently (within the past year or so) begun to break down. So personally, it is still really hard to put myself completely out before people. I've developed so many defense mechanisms that I have to break those habits. One of the many ways I learned to keep myself from getting hurt was to let my intellect completely override my emotion to the point that, when emotion was shown, it was in extremes. I don't like that. I like to be able to cry with someone in their sorrow or rejoice with them in their joy. I used to think of myself as sympathetic, but I've noticed lately that I have not been nearly as compassionate as I had thought. One of my prayers has been the words of Ezekiel 36:26, for God to "remove the heart of stone from [my] flesh and give [me] a heart of flesh."

I was talking about this with a sister who mentioned that she had the opposite problem: letting her emotions completely guide everything and getting far too involved without thinking thinks out intellectually. Which leads to another aspect of fellowship we talked about in study, how much we have to learn from one another. We can learn from others in areas that we are weak, and teach others in areas that we are strong....

Not a whole bunch of new or revolutionary concepts, but it really meant a lot to me tonight to be able to share the burdens of my heart. Definitely renewed my spirit...