Where the heart is.

This past weekend the VT Navs were visited by some people involved with the Navigator ministry in Japan. The country coordinator, the head-guy from Shizouka, a VT alum and friend who are ministering in Sendai and some students. It was really great getting to hang out with them, learn about what need there is and get an update on what God is doing in Japan. There was, of course, encouragement for us to get more involved. Many VTNavs have been to Japan on short trips before and the need for young people to minister in Japan was emphasized a few times.

So driving home from one of the meetings my friend asked me the question of the week: "So have you thought about Japan?"

I have---and I haven't.

Right now I am just searching for some guidance. I feel like I'm back in my senior year of high school...trying to decide what my next step will be, trying to figure out what my future might entail, and really not having a clue of what is going on.

From the practical side, I can't really afford to do much. I know that if God wants me to go somewhere, He will provide the means. At the same time I'm thinking of the tens of thousands of dollars in debt I am (happens when you are paying for school with loans), and the fact that I haven't ever had a paying job (only volunteered) and don't have much experience (except some volunteering) relating to my major. My parents really want me to get a job this summer or at least a paid internship, so I want to honor them as well.

But the real reason is I just don't feel called there. I love hearing from the missionaries, being able to pray for them, and supporting them in any way I can, but my heart is not in Japan. It is like Chester. I spent the summer ministering there. I love the kids, I love the missionaries, I love the people, I even like living there (it was certainly home by the end of the summer). I know that I could live and work in Chester and be happy...but my heart isn't there. I don't feel called to work there, and I know that if I chose to be there, it would be me rather than God choosing.

So then my problem, and my real struggle, is: I have no clue where my heart is and I believe for ministry to be fruitful and glorifying to God, your heart should be in it. I suppose that it is something I may find out through trial and error. For now, I know that I love to serve, directly. I like to do things for people, I like to have my home open to people and be a constant hostess. I have a heart for worship. Judging from the feedback on this year's Christmas party, I apparently have the ability to administer and organize. (Perhaps I should rephrase that and say that I have the ability to break down a task and delegate the pieces.)

I know bits and pieces, but I've been looking at options for this summer and I have just hit a wall. I can't imagine what trouble I will have when I look for something to do after I graduate. I have another year and a half (Spring '06!!!) before that decision needs to be made, though.

Between now and then, I want to focus on searching out my spiritual gifts and learning where my heart lies, where God would have me, just a better sense of His purpose for my life.

Those sound an awful lot like resolutions. Well, it is Advent, the "Christian New Year."