It's official

I'm at 85% of my funding and I have the OK for going up to campus. I leave tomorrow and should be in Vermont Friday. Once I figure out how my internet access is going to work up there, I'll be posting again on a more regular basis (sure, I say that now).

First priorities in Burlington: scoping out the thrift shops, hitting up Ben and Jerry's, and learning the campus well enough to pass for a student (preferably not a first year).

And now I get to figure out how to act like a Yankee again after living down South for the past decade...tests say I'm only like 55% Southern so I should be able to find an easy balance.

I <3 maple syrup.

My time as of late has been devoted to two things: repacking all my stuff and raising support for my coming year in Vermont. Right now, it's a toss-up as to which is the more stressful of the two.

I think this weekend I hit the dreaded fundraising wall. Reviewing my accounts, I realized that I have less than three weeks to raise my support and I'm only at 30%....and 30% of $25000 isn't that big of a dent. For the first time, I think I'm feeling the full weight of how big a task this really is and, while I know God is the ultimate provider and He will see this through, it's becoming more and more of a challenge to trust each day the mailman shows up empty-handed.

I had a hard time focusing the first few days of my training in June. Mainly because I was terrified for some reason that I couldn't quite put my finger on. So, as I often confront my fears, I took a walk. I found myself, needing to be reminded of just how powerful God is, sitting in the cleft of a rock. There He revealed my fears. Not knowing exactly what scared me, I had been claiming it was the fundraising, or the new challenge, or the unknown that I was uncertain of. In truth, at the core, I was afraid that the bottom was going to fall out. Like so many times in my life, I was really afraid to invest anything (emotionally or otherwise) because deep down I was waiting for the other shoe to drop (one more cliche anyone?). But God took me through everything that I was founding that fear on and showed me that each time I had been putting my hope in man. I remembered Numbers 23:19 (yay TMS) and how God is not man (thankfully so). I don't have to fear disappointment from God.

Now that I'm somewhat stressed about my support, I was going through journals, posts and the like looking for reminders of God's faithfulness in past when I ran across this one. A year and a half ago, I talked about not knowing where my heart was but feeling it was important that my heart was in whatever plan God had for me. Cheesy as it sounds, this is the first time in a long time I can say my heart is completely in something. I am looking forward to ministering at the University of Vermont and all the triumphs and frustrations that may entail. I am looking forward to late nights and early mornings, to being physically and emotionally exhausted, to long conversations (both giggly and otherwise). I am even looking forward to our first team conflict and the growth that will come from working through it. I know I really shouldn't set expectations since I have no idea what to expect, but my heart is already there.

It's just a matter of the rest of me catching up. So, three weeks, lots of phone calls, and more envelopes than I care to mention...

Now to get all serious: While I'm on the topic of support for the coming year, if you'd like to help, send me an email and I'll get you all the information you could possibly want (and more!) or you could head to the Nav site, look me up, and give a call to donate.

In-processing

Every part of going on staff with the Navigators has been spiritually challenging. Deciding to pursue EDGE Corps took a lot of intense prayer sessions, for both guidance and the strength to take the first step. The application process called for a lot of reflection on both my reasons for applying and my beliefs as a whole. My training (or Summit as we like to call it) threw me in the mix of 30-something other recent grads all with blazing faith which was both convicting and encouraging.

I've noticed a pattern in my life as of late: a great and growing desire to be utterly overtaken by and surrendered to God. That what I pray would not be my prayers, but His; not my song, but His; not my heart, but His; not my vision, not my passion, but His. My ambition is to be an empty vessel that He might be manifest. It's all a part of us decreasing so that He may increase; my greatest desire is to disappear entirely...

Updates

I know, it's been a good three months since I've been around, and I certainly have a good bit to catch up on:

School: Well, I'm done. I graduated in May and now have a Bachelors of Science in Wildlife Science. It feels great to be done with undergrad. I am not sure whether God will call me to grad school or not, but that doesn't need to be decided just yet.

EDGE Corps: I think the last time I updated, I mentioned that I had accepted the slot on EDGE. Well, as of July 1, 2006, I am officially on staff with the Navigators (of which EDGE Corps is a ministry). I've spent the last two weeks at Glen Eyrie in Colorado Springs at my training for the coming year. Now I get to do all my fundraising.

It's weird to grasp the idea that I am a missionary. And it's totally, like, my for true job and everything. All through training, the other EDGErs and I kept giving each other the "You mean we get paid to do this?" look. Granted, all the money we are paid is what we've raised for the year, but it's still incredible that our focus for the next year (or two) is building relationships and investing in college students.

As for me, I'm headed to the University of Vermont with three other people. We've been able to meet and spend time with our campus staff; it already feels like we are family. It never ceases to amaze me how the blood of Christ unites us all.

We'll be living in Burlington, VT, and whenever I share this with people I get one of two reactions: "Wow, it's beautiful there, you'll love it." Or "Wow, it's really liberal up there, but the area is beautiful, you'll love it." We'll see how things go.

Countdown

I had my phone interview for Edge Corps today.
They said they like to let people know within two weeks.

UPDATE: I found out today (3/28) that I've been accepted. They want to know by next Saturday whether I am going to do it or not. I'm pretty sure I will, but I want to pray about it more. I'd appreciate your prayers as well.

3 words

I am Yours.

Do we even realize all that those words mean, as often as we say them? Do I even realize?

I am Yours means I will always belong.
I am Yours means I am God's child, I will always be loved.
I am Yours means I am God's love, I will always be cherished.
I am Yours means I am God's servant, I will always have a purpose.
I am Yours means I am God's sheep, I will always be provided for.
I am Yours means I am God's possession, I will always be protected.

Even the smallest part of that statement is infinitely complex. Just think of everything contained in that one letter "I." That means me: my mind, my thoughts, my will, my heart, my body, my voice, my life, my possessions--everything--His. Surrendered entirely in one breath.

Is there any statement so freeing, so empowering, so encouraging, so humbling...?
There are few other three word statements I can think of that even near this for potency and it seems as though they are all connected:
He is risen.
I am forgiven.
I love you.

I do exist

Really, I do. No excuses though. Nothing eloquent tonight. No sage advice, charming witticisms or brilliant theological insights...frankly, I'm pretty tired.

Spring break was this past week. Again, I went down to Florida with Navigators and we worked on a site for Habitat for Humanity. Again, I had a blast. This trip I had just bought my camera and so I got to play around and take all sorts of really cool pictures. I'll get them posted later when I have the time to deal with uploading and reformatting and all that jazz.

I learned a lot of things this past week, some of them were even about construction.

This week showed me just what encouragement means, and that it's not just a gift, it can be a habit. I know quite a few people who are just natural at encouraging other people (a couple of whom were on this trip), but I learned this trip how to make the decision for myself each day to be encouraging, to seek to "speak as though it were the utterances of God." What's more, it's habit forming, the more you do it, the easier it gets. Go figure.

I saw a side of myself that I haven't allowed to show for a long, long time. Nothing bad, I assure you, just some well placed mischief, lots of laughs, and cheesy smiles. I realized that I really do like who I am, in my entirety. Not that I don't have things to work on, but I'll let God show me what those things are instead of trying to pick them out myself. Really, who am I to find flaws in God's creation?

's wonderful

Quick update for now, no promises as to what may or may not come later.

I need to start off by saying two things: 1)OxiClean absolutely rocks, what else takes out 3 month old mud stains?
2) I have been in the most excessively happy mood all evening, since about 4 or so this afternoon actually, and I have no idea why. I mean, I know God must have something to do with it but other than that I have no earthly reason. Maybe that's why it's been so great.

You may have guessed from my last post that I've been spending a lot of time in prayer lately. I've been learning quite a bit about what it really means to wait on God (thoughts that aren't yet collected enough for a post, so stay tuned) and in the middle of papers, tests, decisions, and all sorts of uncertainty, He's given me that wonderful peace of His. I must say that I have been more excited about my walk recently than I have in quite some time. Maybe it's because I am so unsure, nothing makes sense and I absolutely have to trust in Him. Maybe my fear has been causing me to seek out God exponentially more than I have before. Maybe I've completely fallen off my rocker. I don't know what it is, but it's been great. I have been learning so much, seeing so much more, and been so much hungrier...um...more hungry...hungriful...?



Right, so here's some lyrics (slightly modified) to close out the day:

's wonderful, 's marvelous,
Christ should care for me!
's awful nice, 's paradise,
's what I long to see.

He's made my life so glamorous,
You can't blame me for feeling amorous!
Oh 's wonderful, 's marvellous,
That He should care for me!

It's been an interesting couple of days around here, to put it mildly, which has left me in this weird state of confusion, exhaustion, and....something I'm not exactly sure how to define. It all pretty much comes down to: I'm not sure what God is doing, but I'm doing my best to hang on for the ride.

I guess I should preface this with a synopsis of the half day of prayer from a week ago. I posted that God was telling me to get out of the boat, so to speak. This was in relation to where God wants me after graduation. Long story short, I think God may be calling me to a ministry that has little or nothing to do with my studies over the past four years.

Needless to say, that in itself is quite stressful...last night I broke down and had one of those wonderfully intense "Can we talk?" prayer sessions. After something like an hour and a half of tears, frustration, fear, and other emotions pouring out I felt that beautiful peace that comes from surrendering our cares to Christ. [By the way, I absolutely love how we can come fearlessly before the throne. I'm afraid to think of where I'd be without such a freedom.]

And then, I get a message that I should have received much earlier in the day but, due to my >sarcasm< stellar organizational skills >/sarcasm<, I did not receive until right before I went to bed.

Being as vague as possible (which I'm sure you love but is necessary because I really don't think it appropriate to share details at this point...): I was faced with making a decision that I was not expecting to have to make. Honestly, it's one of the harder things I've had to do, especially as I there are many who would think me absolutely insane for the decision I wound up making. I'll admit there is a part of me that thinks the same thing, and that part was quite vocal in the decision making process. Somewhere along the way it's been said that the right thing at the wrong time is still wrong, or something like that. That's what God led me to as right now He has other thing planned. Even though I probably made a bigger thing out of the issue than what it was, I felt it best not to even start down a road I wasn't going to follow.

Confused yet? Yeah, my heads been reeling all day, too. But I've been clinging to Isaiah 30:18-21. God actually showed those verses to me before having to make that decision...I wonder if He was checking to see if I had been listening.

Two and a half hours of prayer and you know what God told me?
Sure Peter fell, but at least he got out of the boat.

Quick thought:

Usually when 2 Corinthians 12:9 is brought up we think of God's strength being perfected in our weakness; that when we are broken His grace can shine through.

Just to take a little different spin on things: have you ever thought about how perfectly this applies to Christ Himself? It was when He was at His weakest, beaten and broken, nailed to the cross, that God's love for us was most evident. God's grace and power was seen perfected in His own Son. Christ could have called out, could have used His own strength, but delivered Himself and surrendered entirely to God's plan...and we are called to do the same.

As Christ has led, so I follow.

Aww

Not exactly the lion laying down with the lamb...but pretty darn close.

Long time gone

No, I haven't dropped off the face of the Earth. Last semester, especially the end of it, was just that hectic that anything not directly contributing to the completion of classwork had to be removed from the schedule. Luckily this semester looks, so far, like I'll have a bit more wiggle room. Let me fill you in on what has been going on.

Over Christmas break my family and took to the air. Our first destination was Southern California. There we spent time visiting my dad's family, meaning the 3 uncles, 2 aunts, cousin and grandmother that I had not seen in 12 years. This is the grandmother who, if you will remember, was in and out of the hospital all through last fall. She is doing better, she's at home and walking a bit, but she still has a long way to go. While we were in California we also visited my grandfather, who, we found out on Christmas, had to check into the hospital because his leukemia was making him weak and he wound up coming down with a bit of pneumonia. The leukemia thing was news to me. It's a mild form (chronic not acute) so there's not too much cause for alarm. Still, all I could think was that 3 out of 4 of my grandparents have or have had some form of cancer...that just bodes so well for me.

Anyhow, after Christmas in California we hopped over to El Paso, TX for New Years. There we spent time with my mom's family. We were also able to go all over the place seeing the missions, heading out to old Mesilla and Carlsbad Caverns, mostly places I'd been before (except for the missions) but this time I was able to fully appreciate them.

My parents came up to visit me this weekend.
Wait, let me rephrase that...My parents came up to the mountains because apples are in season and they wanted to hit the orchard. I told them that I would be mad if they came halfway to Tech and didn't even bother to stop in.
So they came for the night and brought me apples. Just over 1/2 a bushel. My future holds many apple pies, apple cake, apple sauce, apple butter, baked apples, spiced apples. I think I am going to go on a hunt for more apple recipes, just as soon as I'm done with my test this week.

Quality Control

I make a lot of pies; mostly apple. The recipe I use was passed down from my father's mother, to my mother, to me. I've learned it well. Apparently, when my father was in California visiting my grandmother, he told her all about my baking skills, how I make a pretty mean apple-pie. This is also the same time he promised that we would be going out to California for Christmas. My grandmother has said that I am going to have to bake her a pie while I'm out there so she can see how well I do. No pressure, no pressure at all.

Any suggestions?

I've realized that, as broad as my music collection is, I have very little in the way of classical music. I greatly enjoy classical music, but don't actually own any.
What would you suggest as some staples that I need to start off with?

Have you missed me?

On second thought, it's probably best not to ask questions like that as I am not sure I want to know the answer....

I know, this blog has been mostly dead for a while. Let me explain. No, there is too much. Let me sum-up. I have a very long to-do list and it seems that every time I cross one thing off, I add five more. I'm in the wierdest of states, though. There are all these things I probably should be stressed about but I'm not really. Behold the power of Peace.

The one thing that does stress me out is my room/apartment. I can't stand to have things messy; which, of course, they are right now. Not that I need all-spotless-all-the-time, but having things scattered, cluttered, and in various states of disarray infects my focus in other areas. So if I'm having trouble staying awake in class, it's because I have laundry that needs to be put away.

My parents are coming up this weekend and if they want a place to stay, I've got some work to do.

Just a thought

Is there anything more confounding than Joy? It is the undeniable mark of the Living God. Christ says that we will be known as His by the love we have for one another, but there is something to this Joy. It is the afterglow of the glory of God, a direct result of time spent in His presence.

I've cried some these past couple of weeks--over uncertainty regarding my grandmother, over the overwhelming thought of this coming semester--but even when my cheeks were wet with tears, I could not help but smile. Smiling through the tears is not putting on a brave face, pulling myself up and "getting through" the rough bits. For me, it is the response of surrendering, putting absolute faith and trust in God's will. I cannot, in light of God's grace and mercy, abandon myself to sorrow, hopelessness, or self-pity. His joy allows room for nothing else.

Prayer request.

As some of you may already know, my grandmother (Father's side) was recently diagnosed with colon cancer. She had had rectal cancer before (years ago) and this cancer was caught early because of her history. She has been in chemo for one week now and by the end of this first round she was so weak that she fell and broke her hip. She underwent surgery on Friday and has been home since.

Today, however, it seems she has taken a turn for the worse. She was complaining that she wasn't feeling well and so my uncle took her into the hospital where she was placed in intensive care. The doctors think her lowered blood pressure may be due to a loosened bloodclot and, due to her age and weakened state only give her a 50/50 chance of living through the night.

The real hardship in the situation is not the possibility of her death (she is older and in poor health). The hardship is that she lives in California and neither my parents nor I have seen her in the past 12 years. My father was planning on going out this coming weekend to visit (after hearing her recent cancer diagnosis). Furthermore, I do not know where she stands with Christ. She talks about prayer and God, but it seems to me as more of a "Churched" background than a real knowledge or relationship. I do not know her heart, she may be a fervent believer....

I suppose the real difficulty with a loved one fighting for life is when you don't know if you will see them again in this life or the next.

Please pray for my grandmother, her health, that she will make it through the night. Pray for my father, as I know he blames himself for not having seen her in so long.

Update: She made it through the night and her condition was downgraded from critical to stable. The doctors still aren't sure what was wrong and she isn't out of the woods yet...

Blogs are busting out all over
All throughout the Appalacian Hills

Ok, so that would have worked better had I ever actually seen Carousel.
Point is lots of my friends have logged in to the blogging cult-ure. Go check out Matt and Mark, welcome them, before they're wise to us.

Traffic has been slow, really slow around here. Not that I need people to read, but it doesn't feel all that great when the visitor counter is stuck on 0. People used to visit me once. TSO popped in a few times...

New goal: rebuild my base.

I think that means I have to start putting up substance now