It's been an interesting couple of days around here, to put it mildly, which has left me in this weird state of confusion, exhaustion, and....something I'm not exactly sure how to define. It all pretty much comes down to: I'm not sure what God is doing, but I'm doing my best to hang on for the ride.

I guess I should preface this with a synopsis of the half day of prayer from a week ago. I posted that God was telling me to get out of the boat, so to speak. This was in relation to where God wants me after graduation. Long story short, I think God may be calling me to a ministry that has little or nothing to do with my studies over the past four years.

Needless to say, that in itself is quite stressful...last night I broke down and had one of those wonderfully intense "Can we talk?" prayer sessions. After something like an hour and a half of tears, frustration, fear, and other emotions pouring out I felt that beautiful peace that comes from surrendering our cares to Christ. [By the way, I absolutely love how we can come fearlessly before the throne. I'm afraid to think of where I'd be without such a freedom.]

And then, I get a message that I should have received much earlier in the day but, due to my >sarcasm< stellar organizational skills >/sarcasm<, I did not receive until right before I went to bed.

Being as vague as possible (which I'm sure you love but is necessary because I really don't think it appropriate to share details at this point...): I was faced with making a decision that I was not expecting to have to make. Honestly, it's one of the harder things I've had to do, especially as I there are many who would think me absolutely insane for the decision I wound up making. I'll admit there is a part of me that thinks the same thing, and that part was quite vocal in the decision making process. Somewhere along the way it's been said that the right thing at the wrong time is still wrong, or something like that. That's what God led me to as right now He has other thing planned. Even though I probably made a bigger thing out of the issue than what it was, I felt it best not to even start down a road I wasn't going to follow.

Confused yet? Yeah, my heads been reeling all day, too. But I've been clinging to Isaiah 30:18-21. God actually showed those verses to me before having to make that decision...I wonder if He was checking to see if I had been listening.

Two and a half hours of prayer and you know what God told me?
Sure Peter fell, but at least he got out of the boat.

Quick thought:

Usually when 2 Corinthians 12:9 is brought up we think of God's strength being perfected in our weakness; that when we are broken His grace can shine through.

Just to take a little different spin on things: have you ever thought about how perfectly this applies to Christ Himself? It was when He was at His weakest, beaten and broken, nailed to the cross, that God's love for us was most evident. God's grace and power was seen perfected in His own Son. Christ could have called out, could have used His own strength, but delivered Himself and surrendered entirely to God's plan...and we are called to do the same.

As Christ has led, so I follow.

Aww

Not exactly the lion laying down with the lamb...but pretty darn close.

Long time gone

No, I haven't dropped off the face of the Earth. Last semester, especially the end of it, was just that hectic that anything not directly contributing to the completion of classwork had to be removed from the schedule. Luckily this semester looks, so far, like I'll have a bit more wiggle room. Let me fill you in on what has been going on.

Over Christmas break my family and took to the air. Our first destination was Southern California. There we spent time visiting my dad's family, meaning the 3 uncles, 2 aunts, cousin and grandmother that I had not seen in 12 years. This is the grandmother who, if you will remember, was in and out of the hospital all through last fall. She is doing better, she's at home and walking a bit, but she still has a long way to go. While we were in California we also visited my grandfather, who, we found out on Christmas, had to check into the hospital because his leukemia was making him weak and he wound up coming down with a bit of pneumonia. The leukemia thing was news to me. It's a mild form (chronic not acute) so there's not too much cause for alarm. Still, all I could think was that 3 out of 4 of my grandparents have or have had some form of cancer...that just bodes so well for me.

Anyhow, after Christmas in California we hopped over to El Paso, TX for New Years. There we spent time with my mom's family. We were also able to go all over the place seeing the missions, heading out to old Mesilla and Carlsbad Caverns, mostly places I'd been before (except for the missions) but this time I was able to fully appreciate them.

My parents came up to visit me this weekend.
Wait, let me rephrase that...My parents came up to the mountains because apples are in season and they wanted to hit the orchard. I told them that I would be mad if they came halfway to Tech and didn't even bother to stop in.
So they came for the night and brought me apples. Just over 1/2 a bushel. My future holds many apple pies, apple cake, apple sauce, apple butter, baked apples, spiced apples. I think I am going to go on a hunt for more apple recipes, just as soon as I'm done with my test this week.

Quality Control

I make a lot of pies; mostly apple. The recipe I use was passed down from my father's mother, to my mother, to me. I've learned it well. Apparently, when my father was in California visiting my grandmother, he told her all about my baking skills, how I make a pretty mean apple-pie. This is also the same time he promised that we would be going out to California for Christmas. My grandmother has said that I am going to have to bake her a pie while I'm out there so she can see how well I do. No pressure, no pressure at all.

Any suggestions?

I've realized that, as broad as my music collection is, I have very little in the way of classical music. I greatly enjoy classical music, but don't actually own any.
What would you suggest as some staples that I need to start off with?

Have you missed me?

On second thought, it's probably best not to ask questions like that as I am not sure I want to know the answer....

I know, this blog has been mostly dead for a while. Let me explain. No, there is too much. Let me sum-up. I have a very long to-do list and it seems that every time I cross one thing off, I add five more. I'm in the wierdest of states, though. There are all these things I probably should be stressed about but I'm not really. Behold the power of Peace.

The one thing that does stress me out is my room/apartment. I can't stand to have things messy; which, of course, they are right now. Not that I need all-spotless-all-the-time, but having things scattered, cluttered, and in various states of disarray infects my focus in other areas. So if I'm having trouble staying awake in class, it's because I have laundry that needs to be put away.

My parents are coming up this weekend and if they want a place to stay, I've got some work to do.

Just a thought

Is there anything more confounding than Joy? It is the undeniable mark of the Living God. Christ says that we will be known as His by the love we have for one another, but there is something to this Joy. It is the afterglow of the glory of God, a direct result of time spent in His presence.

I've cried some these past couple of weeks--over uncertainty regarding my grandmother, over the overwhelming thought of this coming semester--but even when my cheeks were wet with tears, I could not help but smile. Smiling through the tears is not putting on a brave face, pulling myself up and "getting through" the rough bits. For me, it is the response of surrendering, putting absolute faith and trust in God's will. I cannot, in light of God's grace and mercy, abandon myself to sorrow, hopelessness, or self-pity. His joy allows room for nothing else.

Prayer request.

As some of you may already know, my grandmother (Father's side) was recently diagnosed with colon cancer. She had had rectal cancer before (years ago) and this cancer was caught early because of her history. She has been in chemo for one week now and by the end of this first round she was so weak that she fell and broke her hip. She underwent surgery on Friday and has been home since.

Today, however, it seems she has taken a turn for the worse. She was complaining that she wasn't feeling well and so my uncle took her into the hospital where she was placed in intensive care. The doctors think her lowered blood pressure may be due to a loosened bloodclot and, due to her age and weakened state only give her a 50/50 chance of living through the night.

The real hardship in the situation is not the possibility of her death (she is older and in poor health). The hardship is that she lives in California and neither my parents nor I have seen her in the past 12 years. My father was planning on going out this coming weekend to visit (after hearing her recent cancer diagnosis). Furthermore, I do not know where she stands with Christ. She talks about prayer and God, but it seems to me as more of a "Churched" background than a real knowledge or relationship. I do not know her heart, she may be a fervent believer....

I suppose the real difficulty with a loved one fighting for life is when you don't know if you will see them again in this life or the next.

Please pray for my grandmother, her health, that she will make it through the night. Pray for my father, as I know he blames himself for not having seen her in so long.

Update: She made it through the night and her condition was downgraded from critical to stable. The doctors still aren't sure what was wrong and she isn't out of the woods yet...

Blogs are busting out all over
All throughout the Appalacian Hills

Ok, so that would have worked better had I ever actually seen Carousel.
Point is lots of my friends have logged in to the blogging cult-ure. Go check out Matt and Mark, welcome them, before they're wise to us.

Traffic has been slow, really slow around here. Not that I need people to read, but it doesn't feel all that great when the visitor counter is stuck on 0. People used to visit me once. TSO popped in a few times...

New goal: rebuild my base.

I think that means I have to start putting up substance now

Well, that was weird....

I am happy where I am in my life right now: perfectly content with my single-ness, and not looking for anyone more than Christ to fill my time. Having said that....

I was bored the other day (Or, more accurately, I was avoiding work the other day) and I stumbled across one of those "meet-your-match" websites. Just for kicks (to waste even more time) I decided to fill out a survey just to see what their profile said about me and whether I agreed with it or not. I forgot, however, to erase/close whatever account was started when I finished.

So today I get an email about a potential match. Not only does this person live near me, I know him. In fact, we are actually good friends.

My account is now closed and I think I've got some 'splaining to do....

jiggity-jig

Home again. And by that I mean beautiful Blacksburg, VA. Believe it or not I moved back three weeks ago.

{Pray, then, why hadst thou neglected us?}

For the past two weeks I have actually been without connection to the outer world. I ventured where no sane person ought, where no cell-phone signal is found. Thankfully I am not exactly sane. I was at Mountain Lake Biological Station with the rest of my Field Techniques class. Yes, it is technically owned by those we do not speak of but none were to be seen during our stay. (Methinks lost in fear and trembling.)

Ah, MLBS, where tree-riding is a highly competitive sport, mice can be listed as arboreal species, and 80% of the class (including the instructor) holds a dear cold brew in their hands during lecture. I had a blast. We did everything: small mammal trapping, salamander surveys, mist netting (birds and bats), bird banding, remote camera sampling, tranquilizer gun practice, rocket netting, bear snare setting....And then I had to come back down to boring old school.

Actually, school this year will be anything but boring. I've four rather challenging courses plus an undergraduate research project in remote camera sampling (I've fallen in love with it). So time management will be key this semester. Wait, let me rephrase: Good, productive time management will be key this semester. I've never really had a problem managing my time...My management goals have just been slightly skewed.

Classes are starting back up and I'm not sure how solid a start I have. Already I am neglecting work to write to you.{Hey Mikey, she likes us!}

On Journaling

This is what happens to my writing when I am not entrenched in technical and scientific babble all day long.

For me, there is a method in the starting and keeping of a journal, indeed, almost a ritual. Careful thought and planning is observed before ever pen touches paper. In seeing out even the smallest details, I find that I can focus all the more on the therapy at hand. My thoughts are on the perfect expression of whichever of the numberless ideas I have decided to concentrate on rather than consumed with the amount of room left on the page or ink left in the pen.

The journal itself is, of course, the keystone of the process. I, myself, have three at the moment; signs of an addiction, perhaps, but a page for every thought and a thought for every page. There is my study journal: sturdy, neatly organized, complementary sized so as to be easily carried alongside my Bible to studies, conferences, and sermons as well as personal devotion times. It's pages are thus far filed with notes, comments and questions as well as an occasional prayer scribbled in the margins.

Then, I have an actual prayer journal; also sized to be carried with my Bible. It is leather-bound, compact, secure. It started as an ordinary journal at a time when I was lost in uncertainty, determined to flush out my identity on a regimen of reflection and self-evaluation. (Perhaps that is why it resembles a traveler's journal.) It was shelved for a while and I realized that my identity was in Christ all along. So it was born anew as the journal that helps me bring focus and intent to my prayers. It is also a constant review and reminder of what God has done in my life.

There is my newest journal. Small, discrete, portable, it is a ready receptacle for any inspirations or ideas that may come during the day or, as the case may have it, at night. It is, as I've said, small, and I shouldn't doubt if I've managed to exhaust its pages in some short-time. It is meant, more than anything, to whet my rhetorical appetite to what it once was. Perhaps I will again toy with the poetry and prose I delighted in.

Through my journaling I've come to a philosophy on, of all things, pens. Crucial to the journaling experience is the proper writing utensil. While I prefer a quill and ink bottle, they are not the most portable of choices. Nor are they the most convenient for simply "jotting something down." While a pencil offers that beautiful scratch as it moves over the paper, it does not bring the challenge and permanence granted by a pen. Preferring to write in script I have found it difficult to find a pen that will provide the same scratch as most write too smoothly nowadays. There is something to that sound of pen on paper, almost as though you are hearing the ideas sharpen, solidify. Thoughts are moved from the abstract to the concrete with a few whispered scratches.

I feel a pen should rank well in the areas of style, form and function; as well as availability and reliability. A pen on its last drop of ink can leave you stranded mid-revelation and then all the world will be denied your inspiring message. Or, at least, you may forget quite how you meant to put it and it will lose its verve leaving you forever disappointed and frustrated.

A unique pen, while inspiring, will be hard to replace. I like consistency in my pages It's one of the few places I can actually have control and I like to take full advantage of the situation. Given the unfathomable variations in black ink alone, I like a pen that isn't one in a million. Preferably one that can be re-stocked with an easy errand.

A pen should write well. I have too often been frustrated and distracted by a pen that would not fill in the bottom of a loop, or faded in and out, or leaked extra ink and bled onto my every other thought.

A pen should fit well in your hand. It should be balanced to flow well with your stroke and flare and allow for prolonged sessions.

And, finally, a pen should suit the personality of the writer. I prefer something simple and clean. I especially avoid having advertisements for drugs, hospitals banks and the like competing for my attention while I am searching out that one perfect word or phrase.

Happy Hunting Grounds

We had to have our dog put down on Monday. Her 12 years of life ended after a sudden onset of seizures. She was an old dog and we knew she wouldn't be with us much longer. I was rather prepared for it.

I think, for me, the most upsetting part of her death was the seizures. I hated the thought of her suffering more than that of losing her altogether.

Another thing that's been bothering me is how well I have been taking things. And getting used to there not being a head peeking around the corner whenever you are in the kitchen.

There is something amazing about God's joy. In prayer, I found that I wasn't praying for help through trouble or grief, but thanking God for the time Sophie was able to bless our family.

Peachy Keen

Well, I'm in the middle of getting things ready for the fall semester. There is shopping to be done and a schedule or two to be evaluated, moving preparations as well as an attempt to transfer to the Target up in Christiansburg so that I can keep the income through the school year. I remember summers in grade school seemed to get shorter each year. I would watch the roads for the bus drivers learning their new routes as the tell-tale sign that school was indeed closing in upon us once more. (Not to deny that I did, and do still, love school.) Now I am preparing for school before August has even peeked over the horizon.

Curse you mature responsibility!

I've gone from debating the superiority of green and blue freezer-pops to questioning whether to add another class this fall (bringing my credit-load to 17) so that I can add another non-required class this spring. I think I shall actually. The class in question is an "Intro to Shakespeare" course although Shakespeare and I have already met and are, in truth, quite intimate friends. It will, however, fulfill a creativity requirement and give me an excuse to indulge once again in King Lear...not that I've ever needed an excuse before.

Dear me, I had meant this to be about peaches. If you ever find yourself in the Blue Ridge area of Virginia, especially during peach, apple, or any other fruitful season, I highly suggest an excursion to the Saunders Brothers Orchard no matter how far a side-trip it may be. We took a day trip up there today to load up on peaches. Absolutely gorgeous. We've managed to come home with 4 pecks (48 lbs) worth as well as an assortment of jams, jellies and other delights. My parents stumbled across the orchard last fall and we've been hooked on their Peach Salsa, Apple-Raisin Butter and FROG Jam (comprising Figs, Raspberries, Oranges, and Grapes). I've added to my collection of tasty treats Mayhaw Jelly, Sweet Potato and Honey Butter, Corncob Jelly, and Blackberry Cider. I purchased with the plan of saving them and taking everything up to school with me in a couple of weeks but I don't know if I can hold out all that long.

Holy Locomotive, Batman!

Actually, this has nothing to do with trains, or Batman for that matter. But you, being the uber-intelligent person you are already knew that. Sheesh, I can't fool you for a second. I just realized that it's been a month...no more than that....since I last posted anything. My posting always slows when I go home, I don't like being tucked away in a cave...that an there are people around. I hate the feeling that someone is looking over my shoulder when I type. Enough excuses.

I figured it might be nice to catch all two of you up on what's been going on around the coop since May. For starters, I'm home for the summer (and by that I mean the house where my parent's live that I used to live in before I went off to join the Hokie cheering section). Coming home is always an adventure: returning to my room to see what mess might be left for me to pick up. Finding a place for the stuff I brought home with me, acquainting myself with any new animals (this time is was hermit crabs)....And, of course there is always the first Sunday back. I have to prep myself for Sunday mornings. The percentage of people at church that I actually know keeps shrinking, so among all the new people there are to meet, I also have to run through the same questions over and over with all the people I do know: "how long are you back?" "How is school going?" "How much longer do you have?" and the like.

I got a job for the summer, I start tomorrow. I'm working at Target. I also got a vehicle, one of my other goals for the summer. To be specific, I got a truck. A little '96 Ford, just big enough to be called a truck, but it's manual so that counts for some cool points. I'm working on a name for it, I'm thinking George might be a good fit, but I haven't really defined it's personality as of yet. I love my truck. I really do. I may have to go for a drive today.

No Joke

Multiple Choice question from my Habitat Ecology Final:

How much wood could a woodchuck chuck, if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
a)2 cords
b)Who's asking?
c)Who cares?
d)4 cubic chains
e)It depends

Yes, there is a correct answer to that.
And yes, my prof. is a huge Gary Larson fan.

Checking in.

Just to let you know, I am still alive. School has gotten the better of me recently.

To keep you busy while I'm tied up:

I've been thinking recently of the differences between humility and modesty.
Discuss.