Just thinking

Watching the debate I noticed a key difference between the candidates. I'm not sure how many other people picked it up, but I am sure there is a reason for it (everything is planned out in politics). Did anybody else notice the difference in the water glasses that they used?

Kerry's water glass had a stem and a base, it was almost a goblet. Fancy.

Bush's didn't have a stem, it was tumbler style all the way. Nice and solid, plain with less risk of spillage...

Other than that, I refuse to get sucked in to saying more about the debate. I'm going to hide myself away in something that actually makes sense: my Law of Critical Environmental Areas take-home exam.

Ooo, tonight it's a two-fer.

Maybe it's because it's tired and I'm rambling and I really should get in bed but just don't seem to want to. Maybe this is just a last ditch effort to make it into TSO's weekly pick (I made it twice upon a time). Maybe I'm tired of having all these ideas floating around in my head and need to get them out in some form or another....

I've been thinking a lot recently (there's the problem right there) about how abbreviated my life has become. It seems like there are so many things I have to do that I don't get to really spend as much energy on each thing as I'd like to. I get this list of things and I put forth enough effort into each item to cross it off the list and not much more. This bugs me.

For example, writing. My major doesn't call for much writing and when it does it's all the scientific/technical kind so last week I was actually excited about my History of American Agriculture exam. I was looking forward to it for a couple of reasons. One, it's history (I know, I'm a little off). And, two, it was an essay test (maybe I'm completely daft). I haven't written an essay in a very long time (save, perhaps, posts) and I miss it. I've written papers and reports, but no essays. When the tests were handed out, I could barely contain myself because I knew each question cold. Six essays, seventy-five minutes. Problem is, I could have easily spent over a half hour on each of them, which really bugs me. So I crammed in what information I could and, by the end, it had turned into "Just the facts, ma'am."

I really miss the long version of things. I miss being able to be as creative and rhetorical as I want which is, I think, one of the reasons I started posting in the first place. I need to take fuller advantage of this. Posts have gotten abbreviated, too. I went back and looked at some of my early things ("early," like I've been around all that long) and they were some pretty hefty items.

Conversations have gotten abbreviated. Thoughts. Walking to class--there was a time I would stroll around campus, now I can make it from the Ag quad to Torgeson in 7 minutes flat. I am determined to prevent this from creeping over into my walk. Luckily, I still crave to go deeper.

In a manner of speaking.

I had this book when I was little called God I've gotta Talk to You, it came to mind the other day when I was praying. I don't really remember what the book was about--I think it was a collection of poems and prayers--but the title itself got me to thinking.

First, how great is it to have such a relationship with someone that you don't just want to talk to them, you need to. It's not I want to Talk to You or I'd Like to Talk to You, it's I've Gotta in that there is an intense longing/need/desire. And then, to know that we are able to come before God with our desires, with our fears, with our praise, with anything...that itself is such a gift.

It also got me to thinking of how we express ourselves in prayer. I can ramble on about a lot of things (most of which I know little to nothing about) and I don't really put that much thought into how I am saying what I am saying. When it comes to expressing myself fully and deeply, then eloquence matters to me. It takes me longer to put thoughts together because I want to use just the right word/phrase to capture my full emotion and intent--so sometimes vocalizing my prayer may take a little longer. (On another note, maybe that has something to do with why I don't post very much...it just takes me so long to get my thoughts out to my satisfaction.)

Then I have a couple of friends who are very well-spoken and have (and use) a very impressive vocabulary but hearing them pray is very different from hearing them speak. When they pray their manner of expression is much more simple...

Well, I thought it was interesting at any rate.

Yep, that's my prof:

No need for drugs tonight guys, we've got the section 404 exemption!

And now back to the unbelievable amount of work I have left tonight.

so my lab today consisted of our instructors driving us to the top of a mountain, handing us a compass, a map, and a bag of forestry tools and saying, "meet you at the bottom"

i do love my major

That one hurts.

A friend of mine and her roommate came to swing for the first time last night. With them finally coming and myself getting back (I haven't been in a while) I was really excited. I was thrilled to help them learn, to watch as they learned on their own, and to re-learn things right along with them.

As I was watching both of them having such a good time out on the floor I had one of those moments. It was one of those things of watching something and finally seeing for the first time; the tap on the shoulder/gentle reminder combo that opens your eyes and hits you with a twisting conviction.

I realized that I have yet to be that excited over watching another person's faith. I've rarely (if ever) been so excited about helping someone learn, watching them grow, and learning with them that I just couldn't sit still.

I'm really praying that changes this year. I've already seen some excitement about leading, but nothing compared to this...

Two faced.

Another great game day. The rain was nowhere to be seen. The sun even managed to make an appearance, allowing for me to get sunburn on half of my face....I think I should start rotating during timeouts.

From the "things that make me smile" department:

I was walking behind this guy on the way to class and he actually stopped to look at the flowers.

Judges are funny.

Indeed, as in Vermont Yankee Nuclear Power Corp v. [NRDC]...the parties in this litigation have "changed positions as nimbly as if dancing a quadrille."

Avoyelles Sportsmen's League, Inc. v. JohnO. MARSH, Jr., Secretary of the Army, et.al.

Burning brighter.

I was thinking the other day (scary, huh?) about how I've placed so much of an emphasis on passion in my Walk. I've sought passion in my worship, prayed for a burning desire, wanted to see all consuming flames, the whole deal.

I've decided I don't want passion anymore.

Passion is often compared to a fire, a flame, anything that burns really. People want to see impact and change so they think passion is the key. It's not really the important part though, in fact, flames are inconsistent and weak. Think of it this way, when a smith is using his forge, he doesn't stick the iron in the flames. The flames don't give off enough heat to do much to the metal.

No, to get the metal heated to where it can really be worked with, a smith puts it in the coals. The coals are where the work is done because the coals are where you find the most intense heat.

Intensity.

It's intensity where you see the most growth, where you see the most change. It's intensity that allows for the most work to be done. I think there are many that put too much of the emphasis on passion rather than intensity. I think this is also a better explanation than what I gave before for why I decided not to do [nlcf] this year and am forging on. I love the people in the ministry, and I found a ton of passion, but not much intensity. You can get some of the greatest flames from some of the weakest fuel sources. Grasses burn brightly and you can even get some great sound effects from Rhododendron leaves (try it sometime), but they are nothing compared to the heat of coke. (Yes, I did my research. Hot enough to incinerate metal? You can't get that from your average bonfire.)

Really, if you want to force the metaphor further, fuel/intensity's external manifestation with proper catalyst/Holy Spirit is flame/passion. So by diligently (post on "diligence" coming soon) seeking intensity, passion will follow.

I'm pinging on and on (ok, I'll stop), but I really feel like I've gone from apprentice to journeyman here.

Digital Dropbox rocks.

Today has been a good day.

Got up at eight this morning (this after getting in at 3:15am from "Girls' night") to make a pie for the guys. I, and some of the other girls in Navs, have a standing agreement with the guys in Navs that if they bring us fruit, it will be returned to them in baked-good form. I.E., the guys brought me apples, I made them apple pie. Now I wonder if they'll figure out that this goes for other main ingredients as well. Ex: chocolate chips yield chocolate chip cookies, walnuts yield blonde brownies (ooh, I think I'll have to make some of those tonight myself), etc.

I love baking, especially apple pies because I get to use my Grandma's recipe and I get to make the cool foil ring for which I have just nearly perfected the technique. So the day started off really well, but I don't think this is about that.

As soon as the pie was done, I headed to campus for the first home game of the season. The guys painted up, we played Western Michigan, it was a shut-out game 63-0. Poor, poor Michigan (pronounced Mitchigin). Go Hokies!

But I don't think this is about that either.

For some reason I felt like walking home from the game. It took me about an hour to get from the stadium to my apartment. That's what this is about.

My walk today gave me a really great opportunity to get some prayer in, the best prayer time I've had in a while actually. Neat how God tends to work things.

I don't think I'm all that great at expressing emotions. I don't often cry at movies. I often seem disinterested or withdrawn when I am actually intently focused on the situation. I often seem apathetic when I am really excited and/or eager. I think that may be the INFP in me.

So this afternoon I realized for the first time how excited I am with where I am in my walk with God. Thinking about all that God's been working on with me, what all He has to teach me, what all there is for me to learn was just amazing. Talking things through, talking things over appears to be what I've been needing. By the time I got home I was just about bursting.

So, yes. Today was a very good day.

Sometimes I don't think I'll ever be used to being a girl, then I consider the alternative.

Technical Difficulties

T and I were supposed to meet with our bible study Discipleship Ministry Team for the first time tonight. Yeah, didn't happen.

We were supposed to start with two girls in the group but neither of them came. So, we stopped by their rooms to check in on them and see if they were still interested or not. Turns out that one was working on homework and the other realized that she is going to have too much on her plate this semester and won't be able to commit to Navs. We are down to one girl in the study, and it seems that her priority this semester will be academics. I think that she's interested in joining a group but really doesn't have the desire to.

The lack of a DMT tonight gave T and I the opportunity to talk about the situation. It was interesting that we both seemed to be saying exactly what was on the other's mind.

While we would both love to lead a study this semester, we'd be just as happy in leadership without one. We'd love to be able to plan some get-togethers and help with the women's ministry. Really, we just want to serve however God would want us to.

The way we figure it, the difficulties we've been having getting a study together are one of two things. One, we are being attacked and the delays are a way to weaken our confidence and keep us thinking that we aren't ready to be leading a study. Or, two, we aren't supposed to be leading this semester but God is using this to prepare us for leading either in a study situation or another area of ministry.

Either way, it's been a little frustrating. We'll see what God has in store...

Wednesday's Wisdom:

If God meant for water to be frozen, we'd all be crystaline based. It's unnatural, except in a cocktail.

--Shep

We'll just glide, starry eyed.

I got a Classic Sinatra cd this weekend. It's been going pretty much non-stop since I got home. Hence why I'm behind on my reading for class. I'd much rather dance around the apartment.

I also saw this disc set that was "The Best of the Rat Pack," or something like that. Alas, funds would not allow the acquisition. Oh well, one more thing to add to my Christmas list (oh yes, it's already open and taking requests).

Sometimes I feel like I was born in the wrong decade. Really. I love the Rat Pack, Fred Astaire, Bing Crosby, Jimmy Stewart, Cary Grant, Gene Kelly, oooh and Danny Kaye.....Sigh

But then again, I suppose it's great to be alive now because I have the greatest sampling of past greatness. Great. Really.

Yeah, I'll stop now. (I bet you're thinking that's great.)

I have a hard hat

and that's about as cool as you can get.

By the way

I'm exhausted. (I know, by the end of last semester I was still considering O'dark hundred an "early evening" but I've been reconfiguring my sleeping patterns all summer. Gimme a break.)

Anyway, the only reason I'm up at my computer right now rather than being up in my bed... sinking into slumber.......under my nice, cozy blanket.........with my cushy, feather pillow...................

Sorry. Where was I?

The only reason I'm up is because of the wonderful new lottery system that Tech has decided to implement for football tickets. I figure I might as well get it out of the way tonight because I'll probably forget tomorrow. And I'd rather stay up and get it taken care of than scramble before the dead line. Wow, I've never said that before.

Anyway, off to enter the draft.

Sending out along the lines.

I could use some prayer. For discipline if nothing else. I've always had to struggle to reach goals and I have plenty I am working on for this semester.

For one thing, my GPA is at a lifetime low. I've a 3.25 which is nothing to sneer at but, to me, is painful. Never have I let my academics slip so much as I did last semester. What kills most is that I know I could have done better. So this semester I am determined to make it through knowing that I've done my honest best.

Aside from that, my greatest goals are spiritual. I am nowhere near satisfied (and may I never be completely so) in my walk with Christ. I lack consistency in my quiet times, I lack discipline in my study, I lack diligence in my prayers. Not that there are quotas to be met, but I'd like to get to the point where these areas are reliable, where they become second nature (or first, I should say) rather than afterthought.

I feel like I've been off track for a while, I lost my focus last semester. It's time for a realignment.

and this is what I fantasize about...

While I haven't the slightest idea of what I want to do with my Wildlife Science degree, I do know the where. I have this dream of an office with this marvelous wooden desk and one of those green-shaded desk lamps. I see the walls covered in bookcases filled with dusty books, specimens, collections from my travels. I see me traveling the world, or at least Europe and South America, but always having one place to call home. I see a door with frosted glass and my name in black stenciling....

Now the chances of me getting something like that without at least a Masters are slim, but it could happen. I went to the National Zoo with my parents a couple of weeks ago and there, in the science center, I saw my desk...complete with lamp. I'd love to intern there but, alas, those internships are not paid, not even the slightest stipend.

Maybe I should quit the Wildlife thing entirely and work in a library, at least then I'd have the dusty books.