Burning brighter.

I was thinking the other day (scary, huh?) about how I've placed so much of an emphasis on passion in my Walk. I've sought passion in my worship, prayed for a burning desire, wanted to see all consuming flames, the whole deal.

I've decided I don't want passion anymore.

Passion is often compared to a fire, a flame, anything that burns really. People want to see impact and change so they think passion is the key. It's not really the important part though, in fact, flames are inconsistent and weak. Think of it this way, when a smith is using his forge, he doesn't stick the iron in the flames. The flames don't give off enough heat to do much to the metal.

No, to get the metal heated to where it can really be worked with, a smith puts it in the coals. The coals are where the work is done because the coals are where you find the most intense heat.

Intensity.

It's intensity where you see the most growth, where you see the most change. It's intensity that allows for the most work to be done. I think there are many that put too much of the emphasis on passion rather than intensity. I think this is also a better explanation than what I gave before for why I decided not to do [nlcf] this year and am forging on. I love the people in the ministry, and I found a ton of passion, but not much intensity. You can get some of the greatest flames from some of the weakest fuel sources. Grasses burn brightly and you can even get some great sound effects from Rhododendron leaves (try it sometime), but they are nothing compared to the heat of coke. (Yes, I did my research. Hot enough to incinerate metal? You can't get that from your average bonfire.)

Really, if you want to force the metaphor further, fuel/intensity's external manifestation with proper catalyst/Holy Spirit is flame/passion. So by diligently (post on "diligence" coming soon) seeking intensity, passion will follow.

I'm pinging on and on (ok, I'll stop), but I really feel like I've gone from apprentice to journeyman here.

Digital Dropbox rocks.

Today has been a good day.

Got up at eight this morning (this after getting in at 3:15am from "Girls' night") to make a pie for the guys. I, and some of the other girls in Navs, have a standing agreement with the guys in Navs that if they bring us fruit, it will be returned to them in baked-good form. I.E., the guys brought me apples, I made them apple pie. Now I wonder if they'll figure out that this goes for other main ingredients as well. Ex: chocolate chips yield chocolate chip cookies, walnuts yield blonde brownies (ooh, I think I'll have to make some of those tonight myself), etc.

I love baking, especially apple pies because I get to use my Grandma's recipe and I get to make the cool foil ring for which I have just nearly perfected the technique. So the day started off really well, but I don't think this is about that.

As soon as the pie was done, I headed to campus for the first home game of the season. The guys painted up, we played Western Michigan, it was a shut-out game 63-0. Poor, poor Michigan (pronounced Mitchigin). Go Hokies!

But I don't think this is about that either.

For some reason I felt like walking home from the game. It took me about an hour to get from the stadium to my apartment. That's what this is about.

My walk today gave me a really great opportunity to get some prayer in, the best prayer time I've had in a while actually. Neat how God tends to work things.

I don't think I'm all that great at expressing emotions. I don't often cry at movies. I often seem disinterested or withdrawn when I am actually intently focused on the situation. I often seem apathetic when I am really excited and/or eager. I think that may be the INFP in me.

So this afternoon I realized for the first time how excited I am with where I am in my walk with God. Thinking about all that God's been working on with me, what all He has to teach me, what all there is for me to learn was just amazing. Talking things through, talking things over appears to be what I've been needing. By the time I got home I was just about bursting.

So, yes. Today was a very good day.

Sometimes I don't think I'll ever be used to being a girl, then I consider the alternative.

Technical Difficulties

T and I were supposed to meet with our bible study Discipleship Ministry Team for the first time tonight. Yeah, didn't happen.

We were supposed to start with two girls in the group but neither of them came. So, we stopped by their rooms to check in on them and see if they were still interested or not. Turns out that one was working on homework and the other realized that she is going to have too much on her plate this semester and won't be able to commit to Navs. We are down to one girl in the study, and it seems that her priority this semester will be academics. I think that she's interested in joining a group but really doesn't have the desire to.

The lack of a DMT tonight gave T and I the opportunity to talk about the situation. It was interesting that we both seemed to be saying exactly what was on the other's mind.

While we would both love to lead a study this semester, we'd be just as happy in leadership without one. We'd love to be able to plan some get-togethers and help with the women's ministry. Really, we just want to serve however God would want us to.

The way we figure it, the difficulties we've been having getting a study together are one of two things. One, we are being attacked and the delays are a way to weaken our confidence and keep us thinking that we aren't ready to be leading a study. Or, two, we aren't supposed to be leading this semester but God is using this to prepare us for leading either in a study situation or another area of ministry.

Either way, it's been a little frustrating. We'll see what God has in store...

Wednesday's Wisdom:

If God meant for water to be frozen, we'd all be crystaline based. It's unnatural, except in a cocktail.

--Shep

We'll just glide, starry eyed.

I got a Classic Sinatra cd this weekend. It's been going pretty much non-stop since I got home. Hence why I'm behind on my reading for class. I'd much rather dance around the apartment.

I also saw this disc set that was "The Best of the Rat Pack," or something like that. Alas, funds would not allow the acquisition. Oh well, one more thing to add to my Christmas list (oh yes, it's already open and taking requests).

Sometimes I feel like I was born in the wrong decade. Really. I love the Rat Pack, Fred Astaire, Bing Crosby, Jimmy Stewart, Cary Grant, Gene Kelly, oooh and Danny Kaye.....Sigh

But then again, I suppose it's great to be alive now because I have the greatest sampling of past greatness. Great. Really.

Yeah, I'll stop now. (I bet you're thinking that's great.)

I have a hard hat

and that's about as cool as you can get.

By the way

I'm exhausted. (I know, by the end of last semester I was still considering O'dark hundred an "early evening" but I've been reconfiguring my sleeping patterns all summer. Gimme a break.)

Anyway, the only reason I'm up at my computer right now rather than being up in my bed... sinking into slumber.......under my nice, cozy blanket.........with my cushy, feather pillow...................

Sorry. Where was I?

The only reason I'm up is because of the wonderful new lottery system that Tech has decided to implement for football tickets. I figure I might as well get it out of the way tonight because I'll probably forget tomorrow. And I'd rather stay up and get it taken care of than scramble before the dead line. Wow, I've never said that before.

Anyway, off to enter the draft.

Sending out along the lines.

I could use some prayer. For discipline if nothing else. I've always had to struggle to reach goals and I have plenty I am working on for this semester.

For one thing, my GPA is at a lifetime low. I've a 3.25 which is nothing to sneer at but, to me, is painful. Never have I let my academics slip so much as I did last semester. What kills most is that I know I could have done better. So this semester I am determined to make it through knowing that I've done my honest best.

Aside from that, my greatest goals are spiritual. I am nowhere near satisfied (and may I never be completely so) in my walk with Christ. I lack consistency in my quiet times, I lack discipline in my study, I lack diligence in my prayers. Not that there are quotas to be met, but I'd like to get to the point where these areas are reliable, where they become second nature (or first, I should say) rather than afterthought.

I feel like I've been off track for a while, I lost my focus last semester. It's time for a realignment.

and this is what I fantasize about...

While I haven't the slightest idea of what I want to do with my Wildlife Science degree, I do know the where. I have this dream of an office with this marvelous wooden desk and one of those green-shaded desk lamps. I see the walls covered in bookcases filled with dusty books, specimens, collections from my travels. I see me traveling the world, or at least Europe and South America, but always having one place to call home. I see a door with frosted glass and my name in black stenciling....

Now the chances of me getting something like that without at least a Masters are slim, but it could happen. I went to the National Zoo with my parents a couple of weeks ago and there, in the science center, I saw my desk...complete with lamp. I'd love to intern there but, alas, those internships are not paid, not even the slightest stipend.

Maybe I should quit the Wildlife thing entirely and work in a library, at least then I'd have the dusty books.

I have some of the coolest classes.

A couple of quotes from my History textbook, American Agriculture: A Brief History:

Agricultural histories that use this technique are invariably dull.


canal building...must have been excruciatingly hard work

You don't say.

Back to the books.

Well, not yet. Classes start tomorrow and right now I should be unpacking but I really hate putting clothes away so I'm stalling....

Anyway, a quick rundown of the academic challenges ahead this semester:
Physical Geology--Shouldn't actually be that hard (except for the rocks). I'm only taking this because "they" decided to change the requirements for my major and now it is required.

Technical Writing--Another class I'm only taking because "they" say so (just who are "they" anyway). I actually had signed up for it last semester but I dropped it after the first day of class because I knew there was no way I would be able to do well in it with all the other things I was taking at the time.

Survey of Forest Ecology and Management (and lab)--This one should actually be interesting. Any class that requires you to have a hard-hat automatically starts out with a load of cool points.

History of American Agriculture--The first history class I'll be taking for the minor I am adding. I really love History, I'm just not that good at it. Did I ever mention that, after a biological/life science, History would be my second choice as a major?

Law of Critical Environmental Areas--I think that I'm most excited about this class. From what I've heard about it, the teacher is awesome. Plus, from reading the syllabus, the midterm and final exams are take-home. I've never had a take-home exam before, this should be nice.

Ok, enough stalling for now. When I've got a little more done I may come back and right about church. I went to my friends' house church this morning and I really enjoyed it.

Things that rock:
- Cocoa puffs
- Wireless internet
- Having my own room this year
- Being within walking distance of Carol Lee
- The surround-sound my roommate's fiance just installed

Things that don't:
- My bed being about 3 inches too close to the ceiling (but that can be fixed)
- That song that plays from 6:30 to 7:something every morning. It comes from the apartment downstairs, I think, and sounds too much like an ice cream truck.
- Having the water-heater in my closet (but I'll get used to it).


As you can see, my internet is up and I am at least in my apartment now, although nowhere near organized.

Well, with the difficulties my internet has been giving me (as in being completely out the past couple of days) and the probability that we will be losing power later today (what with Charlie headed for us and all), it is going to be rather unlikely that I will be able to post much (which shouldn't make that much of a stir since the amount of people actually visiting this site has bottomed out over the summer) until Thursday (when I move up to my apartment) or, more likely Friday (when my DSL will be hooked up); although, with the shuffle of moving, in it may not even be until next Sunday (when I should be just about settled and ready for classes) before I manage to get back into a regular posting cycle.

And all in one sentence, too. (I do so like being parenthetical.)

Memo:

To the athletes seen tonight in the Parade of Nations,

Olive wreaths are to be given to those who medal in the games. They are to be respected as a symbol of the original Olympics and a sign of achievement.

Wearing self-crafted wreaths that you have not earned is disrespectful to those running the games, fellow athletes, and what the wreaths stand for.

I would imagine that, at the ancient games, such insolence as wearing a an undeserved wreath would result in some sort of censure, maybe even physical punishment. Maybe we should bring back those traditions as well.

--E

Re:Recent Difficulties with Blogger

Continually having to [stop]
becoming frustrated. Being [stop]
-ped
In the middle of each action [stop]
I am [stop]
-ped
and sent to [stop]
at the sign-in screen. (Oh look, I didn't have to [stop]
. Nevermind.) [stop]
That is if I am not [stop]
-ped in the first place, not even being allowed to start, let alone [stop]
a post. [stop]
Hoping it will all [stop]
soon.

Yours, etc.
---E [stop]

"It burns, it burns, it freezes."

This weekend we (the summer interns and our coordinator) went to the shore. We stayed in Cape May at Julie's uncle's house...Julie has connections. It seems like she has a cousin for everything. Want some free dirt? Julie can find it. Want a great recipe? Hold on, she'll get her phone. Need directions to a sporting event in another town? She's got somebody who can get you there.

Ok, enough of that tangent. Julie is great.

This is really about the weekend. We spent Saturday at the shore and, despite multiple applications of sunscreen, we all came home crisped. Bad. High on our priority list Saturday evening was finding aloe. But we are doing well now. The sunburn has lessoned. Tenderness should be gone in a day or so. For most of us, at least. I, being the fairest of them all, managed to blister. I know, not good. Especially when one has a history of skin cancer in the family. But at least I know what borderline sun-stroke feels like.

I'll be fine. Just don't touch me. Or my aloe.

Another tense situation came up this weekend as well. This one, between the two most opposite personalities in our group, has actually been building all summer. The one is a planner, likes to know what's going on when, likes to have at least a skeleton schedule set out. Still, despite the appearance of Type A organization, he really isn't as structured as he seems. He just isn't as loose as the other person. (Wow, I'm being rather vague.) Person 2 is the most spontaneous (and liberal) person here. She likes to go do rather than stand around and make decisions. She doesn't do the whole let's-make-a-plan thing. The fact that Person 1 likes to have plans drives her crazy.

Hence the problem at the shore. Persons 1, 2, and 3 were on the boardwalk making a decision. Person 1 wanted to decide and then act, Person 2 wanted to act and decide on the way. Person 3 has a problem with conflict. Person 3 decided they were both grown adults and stepped aside because I didn't want to get in the middle of it.

It has been interesting to watch their interactions this summer. I think both have been doing a lot of compromising. Frankly, I'm surprised we didn't have problems earlier. I keep thinking, though, of that verse--the one about being all things to all men--and how it's not just important for witnessing to non-believers. It is important in fellowship with believers as well.

I'm still chewing over this one. More to come.

I think I've lost something somewhere along the way and I'm not exactly sure what it was. If I happen across it again, you'll be the first to know. For now I'll just keep on and hope that it shows up again.

Really.

There have been quite a few things lately that I've missed that I didn't know I had lost. Like when did I stop posting things that required any thought? Or when did I stop being so avid in my reading? When did some of this "norm" become acceptable?

I am determined to prevent some things from dripping away. I still love walking in the rain. I still love sitting on the steps. I still cry at some children's books (like The Lorax).

I love my life. I'm excited to serve where God has me. There are just some things I don't want to see slipping away.

Dr. Hummer said, "Hmmm!"

I love my bed. Really, I do. To the point where there has got to be some sort of psychological diagnosis for this sort of thing. My bed and I, we get along swell. First thing I do when I go up to my room at night is say "Hi bed." My housemate can attest to this.

Country Girl, City Girl

I could get used to this whole so-many-cultures-and-opportunities-at-your-fingertips thing.

Saturday we went to a great little Korean market. I managed to find some rice milk (which I love) and white peaches (which aren't quite ripe yet but I can't wait to try).   The market was followed by dinner at a soft tofu soup place.  Korean food rocks.  Although I have a feeling that my number 3-medium spicy was mixed up with the number 4-more spicy at the table.  It was good, but I think I'll enjoy it more if I go down a step.

Yesterday we went to Jomar, a great discount store in Kensington (Kinsingten, Kensingten...um, yeah).  Vintage fabric for $2 a yard.  Good deal.  I think I went overboard a bit.  But I'll find something to use it for.  I mean, there are tons of things that orange paisleys are good for.

To: Erika Lee

And forget not that the earth delights to feel your bare feet and the winds long to play with your hair.
--Kahlil Gibran--

Of course, I have no idea who Kahlil Gibran is/was, this was just on the e-card my mom sent me. I love my mommy.

I'm not gonna and you can't make me.

Update

From the "truth is stranger than fiction" category:

My brother is home safe from Iraq. Now he gets to clean up the mess that has been waiting for him. Seems his wife (who may not actually be his wife at all because she may not legally be divorced from one or more of her previous 3 husbands of whom my brother knew only of 1) went off her rocker (if she was ever on to begin with). Not that I can really judge her as I've never met her and know only that which my brother relays to us.

The woman did give away my brother's dog, which is unforgivable. You can do a lot of things to a man, but never mess with a man's dog. That's just wrong...especially when it is a Weimaraner he's had since it was a pup.

My brother is doing well. He got a new puppy, this one is a bloodhound.

Yes...maybe...I think.

It seems I live in a state of constant confusion.

Nothing is ever really finished, or started for that matter. The more I try to figure out what is going on, the less I ever understand.

Randomness, utter randomness.

Notice these things are only a problem when I try to sort things out on my own. Probably a great way of keeping my pride in check...imagine what I would be like if I wasn't faking and really did know what was going on half the time.

Nice to know that God has things under control and that they do make sense in some round about way. Eclectic is good.

Pulling together (aka: I should teach my kids this story.)

I spent and hour watching ants Saturday night. Actually, that wasn't the main focus of my time...we were talking to "Sly." He befriended our group last Tuesday, I think, and has been around a few times since then. He's had marital problems and is now (from what he says) living in a van a few blocks away. He is always so glad to run into us, especially his "buddies" (the guys in our group) and, while he has been intoxicated each time we've met, it is amazing to know that God is working in his life.

So back to these ants...while we were talking with Sly I noticed a group of ants on the porch trying their hardest to deal with a piece of a potato chip. I thought, as I watched those ants, what a great model that is for fellowship, for the Christian body, especially for the situation we are in with Sly. (I was thinking about a lot more but there is such a thing as too personal to blog...)

Anyway, back to the analogy. Now I know it is probably elementary and I know that the comparison has to have been made again and again...but bear with me.

When I started watching the ants there was one ant tugging at the chip. He would pull for a while, stop to check things out, and then get back to work. He really wasn't making much progress. But then another ant came over, and another, and soon enough there were quite a few working to get the chip into the hole. They got it there in no time.

Great, so working together, supporting each other we can bear our burdens more easily. We can pull through when it seems hopeless. We can encourage each other to accomplish that which is set before them.

That's not where the ants stopped, though. The next problem was getting it into the hole. The chip was far too big to fit. The only way to move on was to break the chip into smaller pieces and deal with one bit at a time.

Things seem so overwhelming to us that we feel there is nothing more to be done. What we need to do is break the problem into more manageable chunks.

Right, so that's the ants. It's simple, and maybe even pointless, but I love the way things work in God's kingdom. I love that so many things are mirrored in the world around us.

Like how trees reaffirm my faith. When you look at something so massive as an oak, especially when you know how it works, what it takes for that tree to survive even a day, you know it is too perfect to happen by chance.

Wait, tangent, sorry. I know it's simple, I know it's childish but when you've been working with 7 year-olds for a week, simple = good.

And the heavens were opened.

All day long we've been fighting the floodwaters here at FDCS. It's been raining the whole day long; canceling some people's morning run as well as (yikes) our Monday trip to the pool.

The basement classrooms have also flooded and the flood is creeping through the halls and into the very office from which I write. The door has been sufficiently barricaded, I think, to prevent far greater catastrophe--we all know just how well water and electronics mix.

Ask any parent or teacher and they will tell you that a child's behavior is often directly correlated to current weather conditions. Today was no exception. I was, however, able to harness the opportunity, take full advantage of the downpour, and teach my kids the Water-Cycle song and dance.

They think I'm crazy.

I'm ok with that.

Today's post brought to you by:

the words boldness and sincerity.

They've been sticking out to me lately, those two words. They come to mind at random times, they are sometimes all I hear in a conversation. (Those and patience and frustration, but for five entirely different reasons.)

Anyway, there has to be some grand correlation between the two. I'm thinking both are essential for effective ministry.

More to come.

Me and the boys

I'm still not quite sure what to think about what I wrote yesterday. It is true, but...I just don't want it to come across that everything is just peachy keen, not to say that it isn't because it is, I just...ok, I give up trying to figure it out. Something just isn't sitting right with me, probably more of a semantic rather than substantive issue.

Forgive me, my brain has already strayed from the ways of big people talk. I find that I'm having to correct myself and speak in complete sentences with at least some hint of a varied vocabulary.

For the past couple of days my class has consisted of five boys: three going into first grade and two into second. These boys are going to wear me out, but I do love them. One of them told me yesterday that Cocoa Puffs and Reese's Puffs were brothers. This is the same one who is determined that everybody is somebody's cousin. Ok, so that may be...but what he comes up with is beyond me.

My attention span must be shortening as well, I've forgotten what all I wanted to write. Next you know my speling is going to slip.

By this they shall know.

There is this great song that goes: "I love to be in Your presence, with Your people, singing praises." I may have used it before, but it truly is one of my favorite songs mostly because it is absolutely true. My favorite places are in God's presence and with His people.

I love His people. Sure we have our moments, but there is that dynamic when you are among people who are truly seeking God, truly following after Him. It's like that X factor that Keegan talks about.

It is amazing, that we each other. Only His love, grace, wisdom would bring such mixes together. Take the summer intern group here in Chester--there are personalities, characteristics, idiosyncrasies that in any other group would have already led to discussion, conflict, and battle. True for many a group of Christians living and working together. But that we, bound and unified by His very blood, can look past so much and love through all so long as we hold this Truth..it is testimony in itself to His wonder and might. By this they shall know.

All packed up..

and ready to go. That's right. I'm off to Chester for the rest of the summer. Or just about all of it. I come home in August, have a week here, then turn around and move back up to Tech. My oh my.

As always, prayers would be wonderful. Pray for the ministry, the children, our sanity...

I say it's an art.

I have this uncanny ability to make a mess out of just about any situation.

Latest example: I bought a wireless card and router for my laptop, they had some amazing rebates with them. Two of the rebates asked for copies of the UPCs, two asked for the originals. So yesterday I made copies. I even made extra copies so I would still have some on hand in case I ever needed them. Yep, lots of copies. No originals. Left them in the copier at CopyMax. Didn't realize it until I went to bed last night.

Oh yeah, I am that good.

Post 100.

Yep, this is the 100th post on this site (or so my counter tells me) and you would think there would be something special--maybe a "What I've learned thus far" post or something of the like--but, no.

Well, as I said, I've gotten a cell phone. As cool as it is, it is also a bit sad. See, not having a cell phone had been a matter of pride. I was holding out, not giving in to the mass communication frenzy. Oh well, next thing you know, I'll be walking around with one of these.

*shudder*

May it never be.

On the up-side of recent purchases, I found a whole bunch of DVDs for $0.99. I say His Girl Friday, The Inspector General, Road to Bali, and At War with the Army are great ways to start a DVD collection.

Just a phrase or two.

There are some lyrics that I just can't get out of my head.

"I am a soldier, trying to be one"

"And my eyes they look unto You always, and I am captured by Your majesty"

"Given a chance and a rock, see which one breaks a window; and see which one keeps me up all night and into the day."

Ooo Shiny!

Check out my new toy.

Just because it's been a while.

I am, of course, none other than blank verse. I don't know where I'm going, yes, quite right; And when I get there (if I ever do) I might not recognize it. So? Your point? Why should I have a destination set? I'm relatively happy as I am, And wouldn't want to be forever aimed Towards some future path or special goal. It's not to do with laziness, as such. It's just that one the whole I'd rather not Be bothered - so I drift contentedly; An underrated way of life, I find. What Poetry Form Are You?

Well, most of the stuff I've written is blank verse, or free verse, or some combination of the two. Not that it's that good or anything, or that I'll be subjecting you to any of it.

Grate Expectations

All the shopping I've been doing for my apartment has been very exciting. I'm getting all sorts of wonderful things, most of which are for my kitchen. (Well, not "my" kitchen, I will have a roommate.)

The hardest part of it all has been determining what I really need and what can wait. Example: I need a deep-dish pie plate, the 8 quart pot I want can wait. If you really think about it, I could probably get by with much less. I could probably manage with just a microwave, that's all I had last year and I made it through just fine. But I'm a girl. And I like to cook. So there.

The most exciting things I've gotten by far have been my canister set, my food/rice steamer, and my Rubbermaid Fold-Away(tm)grater, which is just totally awesome...I mean, it folds! How cool is that?

I don't really have that much left on my list of things I need. I still need a set of pans, a desk and chair, a dresser, a bookcase, a barstool...Ok, so maybe I need a bit more than I thought, but I've got a while before moving in, so I'm good, really.

Question:

Is there such a thing as a dishonest mistake?

Grin and bear it.

I had a dental appointment this week where they "found" a pit in the side of one of my molars that I've had since as long as I can remember. It's not a cavity, it's just the way my tooth formed. Like I said, it's always been there, but now my dentist has decided to do something about it. They couldn't have fixed any other time, no, they had to wait until scheduling was tight for me (as I'll only be in town another week).

I have a feeling it's just because this time I had a new hygenist, who turned out to be one of the best I've ever had. She wasn't the first new person to ever work on my teeth. From moving and insurance changes, I have had so many dentists in my life I can't even number them. There have been at least 4 since I've lived in Virginia (and three of them are all at the same office). It's not the dentist that bothers me though, it's the hygenists. They cause the most damage. They're the ones that are in charge of the actual polishing. I hate that thing; the polisher thing that they put that toothgrit on. Give me the drill any day, that I don't mind, but the polisher...ugh.

I know, it's weird. But this comes from the same person who doesn't mind needles but hates getting prepped for the shot.

In other recent events, I've been copying down all of my favorite recipes and ran across a few of Grandma's "specialties." You gotta love a recipe that calls for a whole jar of Cheese Whiz.

Ok, I'm rather proud of this one.

Chinese Restaurant Menu: "Williamsburg's Famouse All-You-Can-Eat Buffet"

My mom: You would think the printers would have caught that.

Me: Maybe their Engrish isn't too great either.

Well, that's one thing done.

I got my hair cut today. I only took off seven inches, so it's still not what most people would consider short, but it's enough of a change for me. My hair had gotten long enough that it was past my waistline, long enough that my hairdresser had to have me stand so she could reach to cut, long enough that I could say it was only seven inches.

But this isn't about hair (or haircuts), it's that I actually did something. I have been pretty non-productive since I've been home which, in a way, is wonderful. But I have done more these past three days--since my mom has been home--than I've done the entire month I've been here. I can't get away with being lazy, which is good.

I've noticed that I have the bad habit of taking on too many things at once. Actually, I don't take on multiple things at the same time...I start one thing and then, before I finish, I start another, and another, and another....so nothing ever really gets done (kind of like this sentence). Take books for example, right now I am reading four different books. (I have a feeling that the number is actually higher but there are some books that I haven't touched in such a long time that I've forgotten I was reading them.) Crafts too: I've got two scarves, a sampler, and a set of lamps that I'm working on. I have lists and lists of lists of things that are "in progress" so when I manage to finish something it's a pleasant surprise.

I have started change things. I set three of the four books aside to concentrate on one (Sinclair Lewis' Babbitt). I'm working on one scarf. I'm getting myself to focus on one thing at a time. I have a problem with finishing things, but I'm working on it.

Una mezcla:

Thy words were found and I ate them, and Thy words became for me a joy and the delight of my heart; for I have been called by Thy name, O Lord God of hosts.
--Jeremiah 15:16


He who will not command his thoughts will soon lose command of his actions.
--Woodrow Wilson


"You need a Sugar-Daddy to keep you in the life to which you are accustomed."
--My dad

To kill a rat...

No, I haven't fallen off the edge of the world.

The other recent drama at my house (outside of my brother's marriage) has been our rat, Solu. Ok, technically she is my mom's rat...but still...She had this tumor on her stomach for a couple of months and this past week it reached the point where it doubled her size. The best thing for it is to put her (and my mom) out of her misery so it's been a lot like Throw Mama from the Train around here. My mom even tried to give her an overdose of codene (we just happened to have some lying around) but she wouldn't down any more than would give her a buzz. Somebody suggested sticking her in the freezer, but the idea was dismissed because it would take to long and was downright cold.

It's a sad, sad thing when you get to the point where you are hoping to find a pet dead...

My dad took care of things yesterday.

This is the second time we've wished for one of our pets to die (the other was a hamster that was a good 5 or 6 years old). I think there is something wrong with my family.

Casualties of War

It seems that my brother's wife has had some sort of a breakdown. They've been married for just over a year now and much of that time has been spent apart. Him being in Iraq has pushed her just a little too far. From what he tells us, she has told her father that she is moving to Richmond (from Louisiana) to go to school, that his whole life is a lie--he isn't really a pilot and he really isn't in Iraq and has been having an affair.

So now we are worried about her because she needs counseling. My brother is having to go through another crumbling marriage...the difference being now he knows that God is the only one who can hold the pieces together.

Anyway, my brother isn't scheduled to be back until July or October and chances are he can't get emergency leave for this. Needless to say, they can use all the prayer they can get.

Today's Quote

Edgar Hewett writing on archaeological finds in his book Ancient Andean Life:

Fragments of pottery, basketry, fabrics, wearing apparel, bits of modeling, faded touches of color, record the age-long striving after perfection. Shattered temples, shrines, sanctuaries, holy places, reveal the yearning of the human spirit to find, to unite with, the Divine. By way of ritual, rhythm, song, and symbol, man approaches the deific presence.

And from the beverage world...

So I've mentioned before that I like Cheerwine. I must have a thing for weird beverages because my favorite brand has to be Jones Soda. They have some really awesome flavors, and the best cream soda I've ever had...

One of the cool things about the brand is they use random pictures on their labels. And they have fun sayings under the cap. This weekend's Green Apple soda came with this advice:

Get excited over nothing.

Indeed I shall.

...

I think today was the first time I've ever had a problem with something my pastor has said in service.

I actually agree with what he said: that most people who claim to be anti-war are really just anti-Bush; that we are called to pray for our leaders whether we agree with them or not. I share the same opinion as he does on the war, the president, our armed forces...I'm proudly patriotic. I just feel he could have found a more appropriate forum for expression than from behind the pulpit.

Call me crazy, but when I go to church it's to hear the Word, not a patriotic pep talk.

Up to Something

Just what have I been up to the past week and a half? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. And it is wonderful. I've watched a few movies. Secondhand Lions was pretty good. Last night I watched the 1967 classic The X from Outer Space about a giant, radioactive space-chicken named Guilala that is feeding off Japan's power supplies and can only be stopped using Guilanium. This movie has got to be next in line for the Mystery Science Theater series; definitely a so-bad-it's-good movie that leaves you with aching abdominals. I think the best part about it is the thought that it wasn't made to be funny. (And in searching for a site on the movie, I found quite a bit of paraphernalia. I can't decide which is cooler: the spaceship or the poster.)

I've been helping my mom some with her work. Filed some papers for her, I'm getting better and better at deciphering her students' writing. I'm finally able to read on a 1st grade level, and darn proud of it. I've baked some for a couple of activities they've had at her school. I even helped her tie-dye shirts for all her students (for Field Day), which was a mess. That dye gets everywhere and -- while a good scrubbing managed to get it off my hands, arms, and ankles -- it has done a smashing job at staining my fingernails. It wouldn't be so bad if they were all the same color, right now they are an assortment of purple, green, blue, and red...

In other excitement, my order from NavPress finally came in. So now I have my Topical Memory System and have been working on that. 60 verses by September? I can do that. I think. I also ordered some studies by Fran Sciacca. I've started To Serve with all Your Strength and predict that more will be said on that when I've gone further in the study.

Yes, this post has been a rambling of what I have/haven't been doing, but I'm allowed to ramble...it's in my template. I do, surprisingly, have plans for today. Every time I come home I have to re-organize the pantry. So that's what I'll be doing. Cleaning. All.day.

Yip-ta-hootie.

Si tuviera un millon de dolares...

When we learned the conditional tense in Spanish, one of the things my teacher used to get us in the right mindset was this song called "If I had a Million Dollars," which we then proceeded to translate into Spanish. (Yes, I had an awesome teacher.)

It is funny that we think about what we would do if we suddenly had a good deal of money. Especially since few people consider the opposite, and think about what to do if we lost a good deal of money....

Ok, I'm done with my serious bit. What I'm really writing about is cars.

Everybody in my family has their eye on a certain vehicle. My dad has been in love with the Audi A6, my mom has been on a Harley kick for a while...I, however have been a little more "practical."

I've fallen in love with Subaru, particularly the Forester. I've noticed, however, that Newport News is not really a hotbed of Subaru activity. There are lots of them in Blacksburg...I think I'm going through withdrawl. I mean, I don't even know if there's a Subaru dealer around here, let alone where it may be. Not that I'd be getting one anytime soon.

Sometimes I feel like I haven't really learned anything, I've just been memorizing the right answers.

Filing things away

I've gotten a start on cleaning and organizing and was going through some old schoolwork when I happened upon my old English papers. I found this in one of my papers:

I believe that the works that I hold closest to me are those that frightened and disturbed me: those that snuck into the far corners of my mind and started to pick away until the whole of my thought caved in to a mountain of self study and assorted psychological ponderings. Each one, at least initially, scared me because of how much of myself I found in the pages.

At this time I was writing about Chekhov's The Cherry Orchard, Joyce's A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man, and Shakespeare's King Lear, but I've come to notice more and more how very true that is-- not only with literature, but movies and music as well. Maybe it's that they manage to put into words what I have been longing to, maybe it's that they can break through the layers that I can pile on, maybe I just like the challenge of facing them.

of cabbages and kings

And for more randomness: this site gives you a random poem each time you click.

My first try gave me "The Walrus and The Carpenter." Calloo-callay.

Link via TSO.

Quick update.

I came down with a bad case of finals the past couple of weeks.
I'm feeling much better now, so posting will resume once I'm fully recuperated.

In other news, I got accepted to the internship I applied for. I'll be working at Frederick Douglass Christian School in Chester, PA, the same place I was over break. Now the fundraising begins, I'm going to need at least $600.

Well lookee here:

You are a GRAMMAR GOD!


If your mission in life is not already to
preserve the English tongue, it should be.
Congratulations and thank you!


How grammatically sound are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Guaranteed ready in under an hour.

So how many Nav guys does it take to deconstruct a wooden loft?
Three, and considering they only had two wrenches and a hammer to work with, they did an amazing job. Of course, now the room looks completely different. I don't have my little alcove anymore and all of my posters are down...sigh.

It's ok, this is just the next step in moving out. I only have to live like this for nine more days and then home again, home again, jiggity-jig. Home to my kitchen, my puppy-dog, my library... I have big plans. (Although, hopefully, I'll only be home for a little over a month.) Gardening, organizing...and, of course, glorious nothingness...

ATTN: Listeners

The following program is not to be listened to.

It was a cattle ship so I disguised myself as a steer and rode in steerage.

I have a new favorite radio show.
Too bad they stopped recording in 1960. I'll just have to get along on reruns.

The Crave Factor(TM)

Woohoo! I had my final lab practical in Wildlife Field Biology today. Salamanders are evil. Cara is awesome (thanks so much for the last minute cram session). Anyway, I did way better than I expected (God is good like that) and managed to find myself some Cheerwine in celebration.

I even did well on the birdcalls. This is only because I actually got a chance to review them yesterday during APEX rehearsal. Why was I practicing birdcalls at praise band rehearsal? How much could they possibly have in common? A lot, actually. Or at least the way we play things. This weekend, instead of the night of worship (where we rock) that APEX is usually responsible for, we'll be leading Sunday services for a change. At nlcf there is usually a "special song" during offering time, this week we are doing Tom Petty's "Learning to Fly" mixed with some of SNL's "cowbell" skit and--you guessed it--birdcalls. This should be all sorts of fun.

I'm really going to miss being in the band next year. While I haven't decided for certain, I don't think I'll be rejoining them next semester. I think I'll be finding another church to attend and, therefore, will need to step down from the team.

nlcf is a good ministry, they are certainly passionate, compassionate, and eager to see campus reached for God's glory...Their ministry style is just not what I'm craving.

Sometimes, in striving to keep things fresh and new, we become so focused doing things differently that we avoid anything resembling tradition at all costs. We are terrified to do things the way they've been done before. Sometimes, in trying to be different and interesting, we push things so far that we push away from their meaning, we shuffle things around and rearrange so much that we forget what the original picture looked like and why we wanted to look at it in the first place.

Easter Sunday was an interesting experience. Instead of a sermon, there were various testimonies interspersed with "mini-talks" each on a different theme. In the midst of it all there was "theme communion." There were different communion tables set up, each one corresponding to a different theme: Old to New, Despair to Hope, Sorrow to Joy, Sin to Forgiveness, and the like. We were encouraged to go to whichever table most resembled what God's grace means to us.

When did we start using themes in worship? Isn't praising the Almighty focus enough?
Why does every sermon need a catchy title? Isn't the Word catchy enough?
We are called to be do-ers, not designers.

I don't mean that themes can't help to focus or unify. They can work wonderfully. It is, however, incredibly easy to go too far. My (future) roommate and I want to have rubber duckies in our bathroom, which is going to be fun. But go too far, with ducky shower curtain, ducky towels, ducky bathmat, ducky soap dispenser, ducky toothbrush holder, ducky toilet cover, ducky light switch--and all the other ducky stuff they sell--and I'm going to have to borrow somebody's shotgun and get to huntin' me some ducks.

What if we were to go back to some of those traditional things we've been running away from? Or what if we were to ditch the cutesy and get back to the heart of it all? What if we were to turn away from the fluff and finesse and seek instead plain, beautiful honesty? We demand nothing less than Truth, what if we refuse to accept anything more?

Grass can sure start a nice blaze, but it's the solid wood that is going to keep the fire burning.

Intermission

I know, I've been slacking all month. Final stretch of the semester is here so it's not going to be getting any better. Oh the guilt. Things may be on hold for a while. But I've at least provided some good music (not that mood stuff that my dentist plays).

Friends say the darndest things.

"Hangin' out with the puddle."

Just call me Erika's stalker.

He didn't say it would be easy, He just said it would be worth it.

There's the type that have something to say
and the type that have to say something.

Forbid I should forget.

It's the Bard's birthday. I can't believe I almost missed it (although, his exact birthday isn't known for certain so I probably could have gotten away with it). So the closing lines from my favorite of his plays:

The weight of this sad time we must obey,
Speak what we feel, not what we ought to say,
The oldest have borne most, We that are young
Shall never see so much, nor live so long.

-William Shakespeare; The History of King Lear

and the livin' is easy

Summer tastes like lemonade and strawberries;
smells like fresh-cut grass and the desert after a thunderstorm....

Only 2 more months until it's officially here.

For now, I've got a softball game to get to.

UPDATE: We won this game, too, 9-8. Go NAVs!

Since it's still April and Keats is my favorite:

Give me a golden pen, and let me lean
On heap'd-up flowers, in regions clear, and far;
Bring me a tablet whiter than a star,
Or hand of hymning angel, when 'tis seen
The silver strings of heavenly harp atween:
And let there glide by many a pearly car,
Pink robes, and wavy hair, and diamond jar,
And half-discover'd wings, and glances keen.
The while let music wander round my ears,
And as it reaches each delicious ending,
Let me write down a line of glorious tone,
And full of many wonders of the spheres:
For what a height my spirit is contending!
'Tis not content so soon to be alone.

-John Keats, On leaving some Friends at an Early Hour

I blame my parents.

I got my Plant Taxonomy test back today. I got a C. Not cool. I am disappointed in me. Despite it being a difficult test in a difficult class, I know that I did not study nearly as much as I could have and--had I studied more--I know I could have done better. It's not a big deal, when all is said and done it is just a test. It does bother me though. The fact is, I know I am not a C student, I never have been. I didn't put forth my best effort and I know that.

Why, oh why, did my parents have to raise me well? Why couldn't they just let the T.V. raise me like some parents do? I've watched the coming generations and they aren't all bad. Sure they've got a few quirks, but I'm sure those will all work themselves out...

Why did they have to support me, instill morals, and train me up in the way I should go? Really. Just think of all the stress that would just disappear if I just didn't care about grades, or class, or people. It's their fault I sat through Calculus today rather than going out and enjoying the beautiful sunshine.

um...ow?

I re-learned today the difference between "athletic" and "outdoorsy." And that you can be any combination of the two, or neither at all. I'm definitely more of the "outdoorsy" persuasion.

And roller-blading? Apparently not my thing at all. I used to figure skate so I didn't think it would be that different...oh so very wrong.

Roller-blading followed by swimming, followed by Charleston lessons, these added to the hikes of Friday and Saturday.

I'm going to go watch The Great Race (a classic) now, and maybe do some cross-stitch.

I waltz just enough to comply with tradition,
then I sneak off to more rewarding activities. BRANDY!!

--Prince Hapnik, The Great Race

Play Ball

Navigator's Co-Rec Softball came away with a 5-4 victory tonight.

I haven't played in so long...but it was great. I got to play right field (my old home) and then second. I've never played base before, I've never played infield before. Years ago I played in a community league. It was quite different tonight, playing with friends, knowing that it was all for fun, competition at a low.

Then, of course, we had to celebrate with ice cream at Deet's.

Now that the weight of my project is gone, the rest of this semester is going to be cake and I can go back to the spontaneity that I love without the guilt.

I know, I need to get back to things that are more than just an update on my daily life and I will, eventually...

For now, I've got some reading to catch up on now that I actually have the time.

Not that I need an excuse,

but it is still National Poetry Month; this one from Billy Collins:

Introduction to Poetry

I ask them to take a poem
and hold it up to the light
like a color slide

or press an ear against its hive.

I say drop a mouse into a poem
and watch him probe his way out,

or walk inside the poem's room
and feel the walls for a light switch.

I want them to water-ski
across the surface of the poem
waving at the author's name on the shore.

But all they want to do
is tie the poem to a chair with rope
and torture a confession out of it.

They begin beating it with a hose
to find out what it really means.

Comfort and Joy!!

Yay! My Wildlife Field Biology project is finally done! This is what has had me so tied up all week and weekend (hence why I didn't post anything for Easter...). But it is finished.

This means:

1) I never have to think about flight initiation in robins again.
2) I can post.
3) I actually get to go to bed now and manage a good 3 hours of sleep.

...and all was well...

My life wouldn't be the same

without my parents. Actually it wouldn't be at all.

Today was my parent's twenty-second anniversary. Their love has been one of the few constants in my life, one of the few things I could ever cling to. They are absolutely amazing. Never have I seen them argue with each other (with my brother and I, definitely). Truly a model, truly inspiring--flaws and all.

I want to tell you a story, but I've no idea where to begin, or even what it should be about. I could tell you of how I miss my dog, of family traditions, or even quote passages of essays I once wrote. I suppose I could pick any topic and pour myself into is, reaching into the very corners of thought in search of some revelation, clarification, inspiration. I would much rather write with no purpose, no structure, no goal; just put pen to paper, fingers to keys, and see what happens to emerge. Even seeing words before me I can feel ideas coming into focus, thoughts settling in on their perch--intellectual Ritalin.

Surprising, really, what a little order can accomplish. I'm amazed how mush time I've found now that I have so much to do. Adding tasks to my schedule has refocused my priorities. I find I have even more time for things like this. Refocus. This weekend I was on the verge of breakdown, I put things off until they are actually worth stressing over, and then it hits me in waves--and I start to shut down in defense. So this weekend found me fighting the shutdown. I nearly buckled when I realized I would be losing an entire hour.

Refocus. Worship Sunday morning and reading scripture. I was asked to read Psalm 22, which led me to read Psalm 24. Who is this King of glory? Even after the morning of worship and prayer, my hands still weren't lifted. It took focus, me focusing on the data I had to collect, forcing myself into observation mode for this project I've been working on. And the sky was an incredible blue, the clouds perfectly placed. In the midst of the headstrong winds, a voice asking "Do you remember who I AM?"

Right. Lord of hosts, wonderful counselor, my strong tower. I just have to be reminded sometimes.

I'd like to retire there and do nothing,
or nothing much, forever, in two bare rooms:
look through binoculars, read boring books,
old, long books, and write down useless notes,
talk to myself, and, foggy days,
watch the droplets slipping, heavy with light.

-Excerpt: Elizabeth Bishop's "The End of March"-

Busy Busy Busy

This week is going to be crazy. I refuse to declare a hiatus, that would be giving in to the fact that I'll be doing very little outside study this week....Of course, it's not like I update that often anyway; we'll see what I can manage.

This sums things up nicely:

I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much.
--Mother Theresa--

There is nothing wrong with dreary...

It's overcast, dripping rain, windy, and forty degrees outside. I absolutely love it.

This is perfect beach weather: rocky shore; stormy skies; wind cutting in off of the breakers, past your layers, past your flesh, into your very core...

National Poetry Month

Yep, April is National Poetry Month. In light of that, I hope to get some poetry up here periodically. I wanted to start with some Elizabeth Bishop but, as all my favorites of hers go for pages and I'm having the hardest time choosing an excerpt, she'll have to wait.

Since I need something we'll go with an excerpt from "Olive" from one of my own favorites:

The only thing he saw when he walked in,
was Olive.
She had her back to him,
standing at the sink,
washing the dishes.
The shelves around her were empty,
except for the pots.

And everything was color,
except for Olive.
A brown skirt.
Brown,
bland,
and Olive.

The dishes clinked,
stacked one at a time.
They would have to be dried,
by those hands.
Arthritic now
but then, past, so vary able.
Now they washed dishes,
slowly.

A Merry Un-Birthday to me.

I thought I had great friends before...
I need to revise that to say I have the greatest friends in the world.

Tonight, after bible study, I got another surprise party (this one included swing dancing and scrumptious cake).

{Pause, reflect, beam.}

So I had planned on coming back and writing an actual post (on something out of Hebrews) and then get to studying for the test I have bright and early tomorrow this morning. After the slight detour of the evening, I'm going to have to jump right into studying (as I haven't even started) for this test that is quite literally for the birds (feather structure, bones, etc.).

You know, since Wildlife is my major, I think I should get credit for some of my extracurriculars, especially if I can offer sufficient proof of wildness.

Going to get bird-brained now...

I have this fortune (from the last time I was off campus for Chinese) that says:
The secret to good friends is no secret to you.

I don't know if there is a secret to having good friends, it's not like there is some interview process or special formula. I do find that I have the most amazing friends.

Today was a perfect example. I didn't really tell many people about my birthday (Ok, I did put it in my away message). I didn't have big plans: dinner with Laura and a call from home. The day was just one surprise after another.

It was supposed to be drizzly today, but not a drop of rain all day. It was absolutely beautiful.

I came home from class to find cards, birthday messages and a balloon (I love balloons). I thought this was awesome. No, make that aweXome. (Yeah, I don't think I'll ever be using that again, it just doesn't feel right.)

Anyway, so I headed off to study for Calculus absolutely elated.

When I got back to my room, my roommate had decorated the room (more balloons!!).
Dinner was wonderful, Laura and I had some quality girl time.

I headed back to my room to find some more review problems for Calc., got a Happy Birthday call from my parents. I felt like I would burst.

And then I got shanghaied. Instead of the study session I thought was coming, my friends showed up and hauled me off to Joe's for milkshakes.

I feel so blessed. Never before have I had friends that would do that sort of thing for me. Today has been one of the greatest birthdays.

{Enter Stork}

Happy Birthday to me! That's right, twenty years ago this very day, your's truly came into this world.
I'm officially out of the 'teens now, something I've been looking forward to.

What? I told you March was full of cool birthdays.

Springtime and the livin' is lazy.

A sunny Sunday, cool spring breeze coming through a window that looks out over a gloriously green quad, roommate has classic country quietly playing, here and there the scratch of pen on paper and the clicks of the keyboard...

And I'm actually being productive.

So far, today is a very good day.

Post on..um..Post

So I had this whole post written on how much I love letter writing, how it's become a dying art, how it's such an intimate form of communication and how we should preserve the practice...and then tried to mail my application. While I still prefer letter writing to most other forms of communication (save face-to-face dialogue), I can definitely see how we (and, sadly, I am included) turn from manual to electronic correspondence in an attempt to simplify our daily lives.

I went to the mail room in my dorm, but the lady that was working was just a substitute and really didn't know much about sending anything. So I went to the Post Office downtown today, only to find that the window in the downtown branch is closed on Saturdays. I wound up having to get a manila envelope from the bookstore on campus. Now I would try to send it myself, but I have no idea what the postage is supposed to be on this thing. I tried looking it up on the USPS website, but the only price lists I found were for Priority and Express (plus, I don't know how much this weighs, so I can't really calculate).

Right. Fun stuff. No wonder people revert to click-and-send so much.

I still love good old-fashioned letters, nothing is going to change that. I still use an inkwell and quill for crying out loud. Which reminds me, I have some catching up to do...

It's Spring!!!

Actually, I took this picture of the Mabry Mill in October, but it's still a good representation of how wonderfully green everything is around here...

On another note, that I've finally figured out how to add pictures is dangerous indeed.

It takes all kinds...

"Why!" she cried, "good country people are the salt of the earth! Besides, we all have different ways of doing, it takes all kinds to make the world go 'round. That's life!"

"You said a mouthful," he said.

"Why, I think there aren't enough good country people in the world!" she said, stirred. "I think that's what's wrong with it!"

His face had brightened. "I didn't intraduce myself," he said. "I'm Manley Pointer from out in the country around Willohobie, not even from a place, just from near a place."

"You wait a minute," she said. "I have to see about my dinner." She went out to the kitchen and found Joy standing near the door where she had been listening.

"Get rid of the salt of the earth," she said, "and let's eat."

From Good Country People by Flannery O'Connor. Born this day, 1925.
Thanks to my 11th grade AP Lit & Comp teacher, Mr. Reynolds, for the introduction.

What's that word again?

Right, one last post before I head to bed. I was reading through some journal entries of mine from a few years ago and they are wonderfully rich. Part of the problem was I used to use writing as a type of therapy, so a lot of my journal writing was done when I was depressed and looking back on them all now is downright entertaining. I particularly like this excerpt:

Clarity of thought hinges on precision in diction. To think of the confusion that would disappear if only people would learn and utilize the full potential of language. But most people don't care to know that bears don't hibernate or that butterflies do not come out of cocoons. [Best part:] Yet I refuse to dwell on "most people" for the actions, the irrationalities, and the ignorancies of the mass public frustrate me to no end.

Boy-howdy was I pompous (and yes, I just used "boy-howdy," get over it). Part of the problem was the academic program I was in at the time encouraged elitist attitudes. Most of it was just me. Yikes.

I will say that I still think we don't exploit language nearly enough. I have this annoying habit of wanting to make sure I express myself clearly; using the exact words to embody precisely what I want to convey. I can't stand it when I feel like I haven't expressed exactly what I wanted to how I wanted to. This is why it takes me so long to write things (or say things for that matter). I want to make sure I have the right words, the right phrases. Eventually, however, after grappling with something for a while, I will most often just give up, go with the best I can think of at the time, and then restrain myself from editing everything over and over again.

Right. I definitely babble incoherently when I am this tired. I'm not even sure what I've just written. I'm really going to go to bed now. Really...

Who am I?

I know, it's been a week since my last post. I am such a slacker. Time to remedy that.

One of the reasons I've neglected things is I've been working on my application to work at FDCS this summer. I'm done now. (Well, just about. I'm still waiting on one of my potential references to get back to me, but my part is done.) I can't quite figure out why it's taken me a week and a half to finish. I mean, it's not like the questions were incredibly complicated, or there is some theological masterpiece that must accompany it. I think I had just been avoiding it because I don't like doing self-evaluations.

I hate reviewing myself, I really do. Yes, I'm an INFP and yes, I "internalize and reflect" a lot...but when it comes to defining or evaluating myself, forget it. I learn far more about myself indirectly (through random revelations or comments from others) than by pondering the what and why of who I am. So I avoid it. It also doesn't help that it is class registration time again. So not only have I been having to think of where I've been and where I am, but where I am headed.

You know, I thought I was done with the whole identity crisis thing. Evidently not.

Perhaps one of the reasons I'm not too fond of having to evaluate myself is I am afraid I'll go to the extreme that I have visited before. I definitely went through a stage where I was obsessed with defining myself. This was also about the time when I had been reading Chekov, Ibsen, Shakespeare (King Lear and Hamlet), James Joyce, Virginia Woolf, and other wonderfully depressing, where-is-the-meaning-in-life works. (It's tempting to post some of my journal entries from this era just for kicks; the melodrama is hilarious.) For a long time I questioned everything about my character, everything about my purpose, everything about my "journey" (warning teen angst). I stopped myself when I realized that learning who I am wasn't going to be something I could just sit down and do some afternoon I was feeling particularly poetic and that I should just learn as I go.

I've learned a lot about myself in the past couple of years. For example, God has definitely given me a heart for worship and a heart for service. My desire is to use the things that He has given me for His glory. I long for nothing more than to see His will done in my life.

Now trying to explain this to my advisor is going to be a challenge. She expects me to have some idea of where I am headed with my degree. I have to figure out a way to tell her "with grace, as though seasoned with salt" that I haven't the slightest idea what I am going to do with my degree, that I'm going to strive to do whatever it is God wants me to do and that I wouldn't be surprised in the least if what I wind up doing has little or nothing to do with Wildlife Science at all.

I've been listening to the cds from the fall Southern Regional Navigator Conference. The speaker was Fran Sciacca and, though I'm far from finished, he has been talking about identity. In fact, one of the foundational statements for his talks is "Identity leads to purpose. Purpose leads to function."

I love this. I am a bond-servant of Christ which means my purpose is, in all things, to bring glory to His name. This I can do by using the gifts I've been given (again: service and worship).

I think I've mentioned before that I love to serve, I am most fulfilled when I am filling a need, I long to be a laborer. Recently, I feel I've become more focused in that desire. I feel more drawn to ministries where I would be equipping others for works of service. Still vague, I know, and I'm not sure how this fits with my desire to get back up to Chester this summer, but I'm definitely cool with God knowing far more about what is going on in (and with) my life than me.

Again, now I get to explain to my advisor why I still have no plans for career, no desire to continue on to grad school (at least not in this major), and why I'm planning on spending my summer serving rather than working at something halfway related to my major.

My advising appointment is tomorrow. This should be fun...

The song that's been on "repeat" in my mind all day:

Make me a servant, humble and meek.
Lord, let me lift up those who are weak.
And may the prayer of my heart always be:
Make me a servant, make me a servant,
Make me a servant today.

Pictures.

I finally got all my pictures back from the trip. I really wanted to get them all put onto a really cool site and impress everybody with my growing html skills. Apparently, I have way too many pictures for a VT filebox site (unless I go through and shrink them all one by one) so I had to break down and use Yahoo. My apologies. Still, enjoy.

Re: Break

Still no pictures to post as Melissa has all of mine (including the CDs). Hopefully those will get up by this weekend sometime.

Meanwhile, let me catch up on what all happened this past week. I think the best way is going to be just hitting the highlights, so here goes:

The Drive: Eight-plus hours each way with Robbie, Melissa, and Yik (on the way back) means fun times. It's extended confined periods that lead to quotes like: "Severed puppy heads," "killer cemetery," and "In the end, I survived." We also learned the difference between sneaked and snuck, the importance of a clean palette, the status of Swedish Fish as the greatest candy, and that Robbie is easily distracted when driving (this caused some missed exits, speed limits, etc.). I also got to play with a cell phone. Buttons and I are not such a great combination.

Philly: Yes, we ran up the steps of the art museum. Yes, we had steaks (except for the sole person who ordered a "steak, no steak" which was quite entertaining). I really enjoyed the art museum, especially the early European stuff. Although once you hit the 1500s or so, it's not quite the same. I could have spent days in the European exhibits alone, another day or so in the Asian section. I ran out of time and I didn't even make it to the modern exhibits (although I'm not sure I missed much there).

Sunday:For the sole reason that we had to climb a barbed wire fence to get to church. Long story. Hilarious, but long. All I'm going to say for now is that I am still infinitely proud of us.

People: The staff, teachers, and missionaries are all really amazing people. I worked with Ms. Judy and Ms. Graham all week. They run a tight ship, let me tell you, but you can tell how much they love the kids.

The Kids: So many kids, so much love. I couldn't believe quickly they attached themselves. I wasn't expecting to get as involved as I did with the kids, but there was no way to avoid it even if I had wanted to. Needless to say, I miss my babies...

Tap: Melissa and I taught tap in the afterschool program. Considering I took two weeks of tap six years ago, I was expecting to be no more than a metronome. We actually got quite a bit done. The kids now have nearly perfect shuffles. Three hours a day, every day, plus outside practice hours. I was exhausted and loving every bit of it. The kids really enjoyed it as well, or so it seemed. Now the prayer is that we can find someone to go into the school to continue with lessons.

I absolutely fell in love with the school and can't wait to get back up there. I learned so much just from a week of serving. Going up, my prayer was mainly to be a blessing to the teachers. I wanted to serve them in any way I could which I did and I loved. It definitely reiterated what I knew of my longing to serve and made me even more determined to strive to be God's hands. I also surprised myself, teaching isn't so bad after all.

For as long as I can remember, my mom has been studying/preparing to be the teacher she is now (she only started teaching a couple of years ago). She would tease me that I would wind up teaching as well. Yeah, right...My Kindergarten, 6th and many of my high school teachers also encouraged me to look into teaching. My response was always "Nope, not gonna happen." My main reason being I didn't think I would ever be able to clearly explain concepts to others when I just barely get away without confusing myself. And I had seen what teaching was and didn't want a part of it. Yeah, that's a bit different now. Not only did I learn that I kind of enjoyed teaching the kids, I wasn't that bad at it after all. Who knew? Not that my new passion is teaching or that I am dead set on being a teacher...but the idea has gone from "No way on Earth" to "You know, I could do this" and it is no longer ruled out as an option. Hmm...

Back Again

After a week of spending every day playing with Kindergarteners and then teaching tap from 3-6 every afternoon, I wonder how long it is going to take me to get back into "big school" mode. I mean, no more recess? What's up with that? And exactly why do I need to know how to count past 8?

I had an amazing time this week. The kids at FDCS are awesome. More coherent posts and pictures are coming soon...

Ready and.......Break.

I'm headed off to Chester, PA for Spring Break. "But why," you ask, "would I want to go North, where it's colder?"

I'm headed, along with the HokiePundit and other Navigators, up to Frederick Douglass Christian School.

In other words, for the next week, I get to go back to kindergarten.

Pray that we would have good fellowship and that we would be a blessing to the teachers (and others) at the school.

The Passion Revisited

I went and saw The Passion again tonight. This time I'm not going to wait to write about it. In fact, I walked right in and sat down to do this...no distractions this time.

This time I was able to go with a friend who I have been wanting to go with since the movie came out. I was really hoping that the movie would impact her in some way. I realized on the way home that I needed to see it again as well. I feel as if the first time I went, it was more as watching a movie for a movie's sake. I was continually impressed by how beautifully done the story was and how certain aspects were portrayed. I kept looking for scenes wondering how Gibson was going to interpret them, how they would transpose to screen.

I left the movie the first time thinking it was wonderfully and powerfully done. But I think the first time 'round I was more interested in method than message. This time, I didn't have that to distract me. I was able to catch little things that completely blew me away, tie some things together that I had skimmed the first time.

This time, I cried.

Warning: Rant Ahead

I couldn't really believe this when I first read it, but it's true.

Online service, oh really? Worship, prayer and scripture...All the perks of a church service with none of the fellowship...Am I missing something here? I mean, isn't fellowship the main reason for gathering as a church in the first place? This way we can be even more detached from those we should be building up, learning from, and holding accountable.....

Wait, let me check....No, Hebrews 10:25 still says (emphasis mine):

not forsaking our own assembling together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another; and all the more as you see the day drawing near.

Sheesh....and how are you supposed to take communion? Break out the Wonder Bread and Juicy Juice at home? I don't think that's what is meant by childlike faith....

Oooohh, I like this.

Hinei Ma Tov

I went to bible study tonight with a trembling heart. I was troubled, and a bit terrified, by things I've been seeing in the world around me and the world as a whole (and yes I am being vague). Needless to say, I needed some encouragement. I've said before how important I believe fellowship among believers to be, and tonight was no different.

I think tonight was one of the best bible studies we have ever had, just really analyzing where our fellowship should be and what we have been missing out on.

We had a really wonderful discussion about how, in order to have really true fellowship and be able to encourage each other fully, we have to be vulnerable. We have to be open, honest, and direct whereas we are usually reserved and vague.

It is hard to be completely open with people. I know that I have this layer of scar tissue on my heart that has only recently (within the past year or so) begun to break down. So personally, it is still really hard to put myself completely out before people. I've developed so many defense mechanisms that I have to break those habits. One of the many ways I learned to keep myself from getting hurt was to let my intellect completely override my emotion to the point that, when emotion was shown, it was in extremes. I don't like that. I like to be able to cry with someone in their sorrow or rejoice with them in their joy. I used to think of myself as sympathetic, but I've noticed lately that I have not been nearly as compassionate as I had thought. One of my prayers has been the words of Ezekiel 36:26, for God to "remove the heart of stone from [my] flesh and give [me] a heart of flesh."

I was talking about this with a sister who mentioned that she had the opposite problem: letting her emotions completely guide everything and getting far too involved without thinking thinks out intellectually. Which leads to another aspect of fellowship we talked about in study, how much we have to learn from one another. We can learn from others in areas that we are weak, and teach others in areas that we are strong....

Not a whole bunch of new or revolutionary concepts, but it really meant a lot to me tonight to be able to share the burdens of my heart. Definitely renewed my spirit...

Old fish, new fish

Today is the Seussentennial. So happy birthday to one of my heroes!

Some other fun birthdays I've found for this month:
1: Frederic Francois Copin (1810); Alton Glenn Miller (1904)
3: Alexander Graham Bell (1847)
4: Antonio Vivaldi (1678)
6: Elizabeth Barret Browning (1806); Louis "Lou" Costello (1908); Michelangelo de Lodovico Buonarroti-Simoni (1475)
9: Amerigo Vespucci (1454); George "Babe" Ruth (1905); Ferdinand II (1452)
11: Lawrence Welk (1903)
12: Amelia Earhart (1905); Amanda Holmes (1985) ;)
14: Johann Strauss (1804); Billy Crystal (1947); Albert Einstein (1879)
17: Nat "King" Cole (1919)
18: John Updike (1932); Poppin' Fresh, the Pillsbury Dough Boy (1961)
20: Ovid (43 B.C.); Domenikos "El Greco" Theotokopoules (1541); Fred Rogers (1928)
21: Johann Sebastian Bach (1685)
22: Chico Marx (1887); Andrew Lloyd Webber (1948)
24: Ehrich Weiss "Harry Houdini" (1874)
25: Flannery O'Connor (1925)
26: Robert Lee Frost (1874); Thomas Lanier "Tennessee" Williams (1911)
28: Dr. Jonas Salk (1905); August Anheuser Busch, Jr. (1899)
29: Pearl Mae Bailey (1918); Me (1984); Oscar Mayer (1859)
30: Francisco Jose de Goya (1746); Vincent Van Gogh (1853)
31: Rene Descarte (1596); Franz Joseph Haydn (1732); Mary Boykin Miller Chestnut (1823)

And, oh, so many more....

I saw The Passion on Friday. I'm not quite sure why I haven't said anything about it until now, maybe I just didn't know what to say.

I don't think I have much to say that hasn't already been said by others. I will say it was absolutely beautiful. I wanted to cry, but I didn't. At least not then. I didn't break down until I took communion on Sunday.

I have a friend that wants to go see it and I hope to be able to join her.

Hmm...

Apparently some individual(s) on my hall don't appreciate my singing; even though I sing alone, in my room, with the door closed, at times when few people are around, my voice doesn't have the power to carry far through concrete, and I don't have any neighbors except my RA. These critics, however, are generous enough to leave their comments on my message board. Of course, these are the same intellects that think it's funny to switch the nametags on all of the doors in the hall, pretend to do cheerleading routines in the hall at 2:30 AM, and have deep discussions over whether 'tis better to get drunk on Thursday or Friday (i.e. when it would be more convenient to deal with a hangover).

Have I mentioned that I am looking forward to living off campus next year?

Quick Quote

Money is not the key to all happiness but it unlocks some interesting doors.

The irony of it all being that this comes from a fortune cookie--um--fortune found in the compartment of a really swell box purse I found at Goodwill.

Never Cease to be Amazed.

The sky today was a piercing blue. I found it next to impossible to lower my gaze all afternoon, it was absolutely breathtaking.

I hope I never reach the point where a sunset doesn't stop me in my tracks, or a thunderstorm fails to enthrall me, or where I see trees ablaze in color and think of it as "just another fall."

Ok, I think I can go back to work now.

They say Hallmark has a card for everything..

This year, I've finally decided to observe Lent. You read right: my first Lent. I've wanted to before but none of the churches I've gone to growing up observed it, and I always managed to find some excuse or other to talk myself out of it.

Anyway, I've decided to refrain from snacks; the idea being that when I want to munch on something, I can pull out some scripture to meditate on.

For thoughts on Lent head to the Wilderness.

Which book are you?

I've heard a lot about it but now I really need to read this:

You're Watership Down!

by Richard Adams

Though many think of you as a bit young, even childish, you're
actually incredibly deep and complex. You show people the need to rethink their
assumptions, and confront them on everything from how they think to where they
build their houses. You might be one of the greatest people of all time. You'd
be recognized as such if you weren't always talking about talking rabbits.


Take the Book Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid.
Via TSO.

Selah:

musical interlude; also pause/meditate/reflect

Can I just say how awesome gospel music is? We had VT-One Saturday and the Enlightened Gospel Choir was one of the groups that led worship. I think it is next to impossible not to praise when it comes to gospel. It is just raw worship--bone-shaking, soul-shattering worship...

Inspiring. I think some of it may have rubbed off on me by the time we (APEX band) got up to close. It made me realize that I've been holding back some when it comes to worship. But, oh, to let loose completely and worship with all your heart, emptying all of yourself before God.

Shout joyfully to God, all the earth;
Sing to the glory of His name;
Make His praise glorious.
Say to God, "How awesome are Thy works!
Because of the greatness of Thy power
Thine enemies will give feigned obedience to Thee.
All the earth will worship Thee,
And will sing praises to Thee;
They will sing praises to Thy name.
Selah
Psalm 66:1-4